Alice in Average-Land

Moving Forward (Like Toyota - Only Not as Unexpectedly)

2010-11-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've lived in Average-Land for almost 3 years now and just as I've moved IRL, I think it's appropriate to move online. I feel like I've outgrown this home. I'm in Vegas right now, about to leave for Mexico. In honor of this journey I'm starting a new blog - a new platform for my writing and a fresh start to get the creative juices flowing (gross, I hate that saying).

I'm going un-anonymous because I pretty much suck at it anyway. What kind of anonymous blogger posts her pictures and a VIDEO with her real name? So there's that.

Introducing: Connecting the Black Dots

What happens when a city girl from the Great White North packs up her life (minus 80 pairs of heels, minus ¾ of her clothes, minus any sense of what she's doing) and heads to the coffee coasts of Central America?

I have no idea, but this is my journey to connect the black dots on the map.

Also, my new 20SB page is here: Profile

My new Twitter name is: @JenBetweenDots

Paradise Hunter

2010-11-05T11:00:00.000-06:00

Aka: my DREAM job!

I just found out about this competition and it's absolutely freaking perfect! It's to be the host of a travel show called Paradise Hunter. The cut-off for applying is today and since I only just found out about it, I submitted my video yesterday - eep!

I need your help - please click the link, watch my video and vote for me! You can vote once a day for the next week and since I'm really late applying, I need all the help I can get:

http://www.paradisehunter.com/vote/Jen.johnson.html

This would be the most amazing thing ever, so c'mon click through and vote!

PS - you don't have to put your name and email address in, just the verification code and hit vote. Thanks everyone!

Life Lessons

2010-10-08T07:00:00.001-06:00

My dad and I drove down to Vegas from Calgary this week, with a detour to Yellowstone National Park. It was a long drive but beautiful and we had a really good road trip. My dad made me laugh unintentionally a million times; he reminds me of $#*! My Dad Says.

For example when he was in the hospital a few months ago, my sisters and I went to visit him around 11 am:

Dad: "I hate it here. They won't let me shower. And I haven't even gotten a paper today"
Me: "Want me to run downstairs and grab one for you?"
Dad: "No! Why would I want this morning's paper? That's old news."

I thought I'd share some of his road trip wisdom.

On Saving a Couple Bucks:

I go to turn off the lights as we're leaving the hotel

Dad: "Don't turn out no lights, they can god damned well pay for that electricity. Cheap bastards don't even include breakfast."

We're running out of gas and see a turn off, the next sign says Gas - 5 Miles

Dad: "I'm not driving 5 bloody miles to get gas! What the hell kind of a scam is this? I'd rather run out."

On Law Enforcement:

Dad: "I've never gone through Idaho without getting a ticket. It's like driving in BC" (where he gets a ticket. Every. Single. Time.)

5 seconds later, the speed limit = 55 mph:

Dad: "I think that's a cop...should I fly by him at 65? ...I'm gonna."

Outside the Idaho border

Me: "Well! You made it through Idaho without getting a ticket!"
Dad, sounding forlorn: "It's a new record."

On Being A Dad

As we're leaving the hotel I realize I forgot my swimsuit in the last hotel, sadly 400 miles behind us

Dad: "Don't forget nothin' again. I didn't think I had to be following you around like a little baby. I don't wanna hear no more sob stories."

On Religion

Upon arriving in Utah I note the slogan is "The Elevated State"

Dad: "That's because we're in Mormon country. You can't walk 2 feet without tripping over one"

I asked why they have these signs:

Me: "What's with the beehives?"
Dad: "Bees are really religious animals"
Me: "...how come?"
Dad: "because they swarm."

On Sightseeing

I asked if we were going to be near the Grand Canyon and if so can we stop? We figured out it was over 100 miles out of the way.

Later on, as we're driving through Arizona:

Me (looking at the map): "We're only in Arizona for about 50 miles"
Dad: "And the whole thing looks like the goddamn Grand Canyon"

I'll leave you with this quick video:

Phone-Sex, Malaria and Also Some Advice

2010-09-23T22:11:00.006-06:00

If anyone has any guaranteed Get-Rich-Quick schemes I would really like to hear about them. I've been contemplating everything from selling drugs to escort services to phone-sex operator.

(shut up, I totally look like this)

Sadly I wouldn't know where to get the drugs to sell, am nervous on first dates and would giggle incessantly at getting paid to talk dirty.

These qualities do not a highly paid escort/drug dealer/phone-sex-operator make.

I figured out that to be comfortable and not worry about money I need about $6400 to last me until the end of January.

I leave next Monday.

Planning your life fail.

I redid a budget and actually should be okay as long as I stick to it and don't go crazy buying copious amounts of kitschy "plastic grumpies" (as my dad calls souvenirs) and expensive meals. And also I might have to sleep on the street with a hat beside me just in case anyone feels like dropping money in it. Or you know, whatever.

And also? I was going to leave Oct. 1st then there was a whole medical scare thing with my dad so we were going to delay our trip for a month, but it turned out to be totally not anything thankthesweetbabyjesus (note to everyone: make sure your pops checks his prostate after age 40. And guys you too. Just do it. Oh and girls, feel your boobies).

Once he got the A-ok from his doc, he called me up to say we're leaving as originally planned. Which now gives me a week and 3 days to sort my life out, donate stuff, transfer my phone to my sister, pack my bags, renew my drivers license, throw a going-away party, learn to hula-...well you get the point.

There's a crap-load to do.

On top of that I have my hands in like 8 proverbial pots (cookie jars?). Looking at freelance writing, applied for a few things online, looking at starting a business (might be too much to deal with right meow), looking at making this video for this thing (how appropriately vague).

So yeah, my mind is all "why are you drinking so much coffee late at night when you know it makes you stay awake applying for jobs you're probably not qualified for and scheming things that are good in theory but maybe not practical and maybe, actually really, you should be getting some sleep every once in a while and not just stressing over Things That Cannot Be Changed"

Like the fact that I should probably maybe just go get some Adavan but it is known to worsen asthma and oh god I need to get my inhalers that cost $100 a month and I'm gone for a year so pair that up with my birth control and malaria pills (sexy) and all of a sudden I owe the pharmacist about $1500.

So yeah, I'll fork over the cash.

I just need to practice saying "Give it to me bad boy"...

*giggle*

In Which I Explain Why I've Never Had The Homesickness. Sidenote: Waterfalls Are My Favorite .

2010-09-06T00:52:00.002-06:00

I have a confession.

I've never been away from Calgary for longer then 3 weeks at a time. I know it sounds insane but I guess between school, then being a working stiff, I've just never taken a long vacation. Or moved anywhere else.

This next year is going to be a giant leap out of my comfort zone; in a fabulous way. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm scared. Nervous, excited, scared, thrilled - all of it.

This year will also be my very first Christmas away from my family. After doing some research, I discovered that here's where I will be instead:

Granada, Nicaragua

Tequendama Falls Near Bogota New Granada
by Frederic Edwin Church

So you know, I think I'll be okay.

You're Welcome

2010-09-03T23:49:00.001-06:00

It's day 3 and I'm already just about on the fail boat. And since I have had no time to do anything at all today, I'm just going to give you this picture of me getting ma hair did:

It's like living art. On my head.

(PS - I wrote this last night after work but my internet connection crapped out on me when I went to post it so I'm actually really not cheating by backdating it)

I'm Starting a Business (Send Money)

2010-09-02T23:19:00.008-06:00

I gave my friend's dog a haircut today. It looks pretty awesome (read: as if the dog ran through a lawnmower and halfway through tilted her head sideways). Her eyebrows were starting to look like an old Grampa's and her mustache was reminiscent of the batty women who come into my work wearing tracksuits, order Bud and drink it as quickly as it hits the table. Go go gadget gag reflex!

Photo courtesy of Leading Edge Pet Care
Not that I got permission...(please don't sue me)

I guess that could be my art project for the day. Stylized dog grooming - coming to a doggy salon near you.

I did try to take a picture of downtown today but there's still some residual smoke in the air from all the fires in B.C. so it's a bit foggy. Either that or I haven't figured out the de-fogifying feature yet.

Hey camera buffs, have any tips on how to do wicked things with point and shoot cameras? I also have manual setting capabilities, I'm hoping it lightnings one of these days so I can play around with the shutter speed and uh, other camera stuff I guess.

Another fun activity we did today was move my sisters furniture into her new house. Her and her hubby are in Hawaii getting lei'd (oh terrible joke, I'm sorry) so we thought it would be nice for them to come home to a set-up house. I refrained from putting cornflakes between their sheets.

I know, I'm a super awesome sister.

Swearing in Spanish, Art and a "Royal" Wedding

2010-09-01T18:29:00.006-06:00

These last few months have been ridiculous. I'm planning my adventures in Central America (I'm even doing a 32 day tour to get myself acquainted with the culture), trying to get a job in Costa Rica (which apparently they don't do online anymore because too many "gringos" flake out) and hyperventilating over money (do I or don't I have enough? How cheap is "cheap"?).

As I'm preparing, I got a few books on tape out of the library to brush up on my Spanish. One of the books is called "Speak-in-a-Week" and is supposed to be a good book to learn Mexican slang.

On my way to work the other day, I pop my CD in, roll down the windows (my air conditioning is broken) and head off. Next thing I know I hear: "Pinche, literally "an assistant cook", means nasty and is used where Americans would say fucking, shitty etc. That fucking asshole would be pinche cabron in Mexico".

I look over and there are 2 middle-age women staring at me with their mouths wide-open. I rolled my window up pretty quick. On the plus side, I now know if someone lips me off I'll have a good response.

I bought a new camera yesterday and after buying a spare battery, 2 memory cards and a carrying case I spent about $550 but I love my camera (it's a Sony-HX5 for anyone who knows anything about cameras). Coincidentally the theme for NaBloPoMo for September is Art so in honour of the theme I'm going to learn how to use my new camera and TRY to post every day this month.

I wouldn't call this art per say but here's the first picture I've taken with my camera, my little crazy miniature husky (actually called a klee kai) and the big fluffy one (called a keeshond):

On top of all my preparations for travel, we've also been organizing my younger sisters wedding. Last Friday she married a real live French Count who is an engineer, a youth group leader and saves orphans in his spare time (I know, right?). They've been together for 7 1/2 years, and are perfect together but really, thanks a lot because now I have to find a Prince who is a doctor and builds orphanages in Peru while volunteering as a fireman.

Wish me luck

Maybe I Could Sell The Gum I Collect to Pay My Outrageous Phone Bill

2010-06-28T08:03:00.007-06:00

I finally got my May phone bill. I've been waiting in anticipation for this bill because this was the bill for while I was on vacation. My long-distance and usage charges weren't as awful as I'd anticipated but did add another $264 on top of my standard $102 bill. Try going to a social-media meet-up and not using your phone. Impossible.

The feeling I got when I saw the bill was the same as the feeling I get when I'm doing the best, most fun server duty of all: gum scraping. You know the nastiness is coming but it still hits you hard (TWSS). See, some people still think putting their wad of chewed up, disgusting, spit-encrusted gum under the table is socially acceptable.

I say "still" as if it were ever socially acceptable. I mean, how does an adult decide that the best place for their nasty gum is under the table where strangers have to sit and eat? Really though, you can learn a lot by observing the patterns of the gum.

For instance, there are obviously groups of people who come to the conclusion that asking for a napkin is really far too difficult and under these tables you will find four matching blobs, one at each place. Group consensus: random gum attack!

I have also learned that white is by far the most popular color choice, with green as a runner-up, followed by red or pink and finally blue. This says a lot about people because I mean really, that light blue gum is so obviously the most delicious gum out there, yet it's the least often randomly discarded under a table.

I feel like I should write a thesis on this: less blue gum under the table because it's not as popular or because people who chew light blue are more sophisticated?

On that same note, I actually watched a 40-ish year old woman take her gum out and put it under the table yesterday. I was sitting a few tables over waiting for some friends to be done work and had notice this woman earlier because she was wearing a very, incredibly tight shirt that was too short and a tiny frilly skirt that looked borrowed from her 14 year old daughter.

I'm all for showing off your body and being proud of what your mama gave you but if you can't feel your ass cheeks as two separate entities that is probably a good indication that your bottoms are too tight.

It's also probably good to consider a wardrobe change if you find you look as though you have four boobs instead of two (fondly referred to as "quadra-boob" in some circles, also known as "you need to go get fitted for a new bra"); or when you show up to your kids friend's party and your outfit more closely resembles the pre-pubescent kids outfits then it does the other parents.

Her worse crime however wasn't one of fashion (though seriously? Really? Tough call here), it was one of basic human etiquette. Because we all know there is nothing worse then settling in at a restaurant for a night of drunken debauchery and getting surprise gum attacked.

Joy, Green Cards and How Calgary Has Officially Turned into Seattle

2010-05-27T00:46:00.009-06:00

I haven't really written anything since Vegas because compared to that, life seems pretty tame these days. It's been raining here for about 8 years straight, I'm not sure when I moved to Seattle but apparently I have. The problem with this is that I only work when it's nice outside so I've worked maybe 6 shifts total in the last 2 week. 6 shifts does not a millionaire make.

Instead of being productive with all my free time, I spent some time when I got back uploading LOST episodes and other illegal things.

At one point, when I was waiting for my mesozoic computer to load, a flashy sign came up and told me I won a real live American Green Card! I mean, that's pretty much like Christmas, Labor Day and Halloween all rolled into one. So basically if Jesus dressed up as a resurrected cheerleader vampire and gave birth to himself (side note - what the hell is Labor Day?) it would be almost as awesome as my Green Card.

Now I can travel to Arizona!

(Too soon?)

Top things I would do if I was American:

3. Call the washroom a bathroom
2. Laugh when people call us "the States" because obviously we are America (even though technically so is Canada...and Mexico...and all of South and Central AMERICA but whatevs I mean details here people)
1. Make fun of Canadians

I guess that's really all that would change.

For now though, I'll be content being Canadian and saying eh! and drinking ~~piss water~~ Molson Canadian.

The other good part about not working a lot this month is that I have plenty of time to do The Joy Equation. I was lucky enough to meet Molly in person and trust me, she is every bit as bubbly and optimistic as she seems.

If you haven't heard of Molly's program or her amazing website, go check it out. I got my Joy Equation in the mail super quick and am so excited to get started. If you've ever thought you need to recenter, refocus, regroup and figure out what you want from life - which is exactly where I'm at these days - you should definitely look into it.

I have 3 months to go until I start traveling, first to the US and then down to Central America, my life has never been so up in the air. Well except maybe that time when I realized my 3rd grade boyfriend didn't want to marry me on the playground...

Jackass.

Not to Mention the Pool, The Parties, The Gambling and I Mean Too Much Awesome to Fit Into A Suitcase

2010-05-25T15:27:00.015-06:00

Like, I mean, here's what I looked like at the start of Vegas:

(@lelandstrott and @Jennbizzle - I effing heart you ladies like, pink elevator, rainbow heart you)

And here's basically what I look like now:

Except for that bump looks more like @ihatesomuch's concussed head.

Well, ok - maybe I look more like this:

I lay by the pool for about 6 billion hours on Monday and have the burn to prove it. See the red/white line? Representing Canada - hollaaaaa (@Lbluca77 - that's actually Hallaa to us Canadians, right?) and ya I'm totally in a washroom - and I didn't bathe in it.

Some favorite memories?

I picked up so many Americanisms - @ChelsTalksSmack put it best when she said: "I mean, I need to stop saying I mean before everything. Especially since I'm talking to myself. #BiSC has changed me" - because yes, I KEEP saying it.

@Lbluca77 may have made fun of my accent, but in a way that made me laugh-cry. I miss your face!

Discovering that @manderzmusings roommate is a guy I used to work with, how small are you world?

@RSub27's dance moves - let's just say I will be posting a video re-cap interpretive dance style in the very near future

The awesome eyeliner face that was @bboudreau for like 3 days. If your guyliner doesn't want to be removed it won't be removed. Trust.

Real! Vegas! Strippers! with @mandymooreblogr - girl you are a character. PS - I dare you to ask her about Chat Roulette.

Lunch at Margaritaville with awesome amazing bloggers while debating doing the scavenger hunt because we were all rainbow hungover. (I did and it was fabulous)

Also, my bikini bottom for sure fell off in front of a random guy on my way to the bathroom. So I did what any normal person would do, I nonchalantly scooped it up and said "That's mine"

I mean, thanks Captain Obvious.

My beautiful roommates who packed my suitcase for me and were all around amazing. Even though we didn't spend that much time together, I adore you all.

(@aliceaveragelnd @manderzmuings @staceyparadise @lelandsrott)

The awesome hilarious fake retweet shenanigans, and when @RSub27 stole @LivItLuvIt's phone to post this: "@RSub27 is so hot. If I didn't have a bf I would sex him"

Walking through the Bellagio and New York, New York with @nicolerelyea on the last day. Honestly I'm so glad I got to hang out with you, even if I started feeling particularly stabby when you left, I recovered nicely I think.

Shots with Ali (do you twitter Ali?!) and @kathleenparkerb while she tried to keep her mustache on

The Sex Toy Closet in @nicoleisbetter and group's room. One word: Sextastic (thanks Toy With Me!)

Meeting @Lelandstrott on the very first day, enjoying a delicious drink (or two with her before the shenanigans began. You are amazing and your deliriously excited disposition is contagious. You saved my life mama!

Laugh-crying at the Princess story (Just ask Leland to tell you her favorite/least favorite childhood/adult story) and how @jamievaron and I managed to turn this map:

into a story about a clitoris. Because, I mean, who wouldn't see a vagina there? "And THIS huge area - that's where men THINK the clit is" Story-time WIN.

Also when the security at the airport randomly checked my purse and found the stripper cards @RSub27 and I meticulously organized into most hot to least hot, and then security pulled out my brand new We-Vibe (ummm thanks again @ToyWithMe!) and raised an eyebrow at me while asking: "Have fun in Vegas?"

Um yes, yes I did...

PS - This post was brought to you by my left index (AND middle) finger, so not one finger, but two and also with a little help from my right index finger - you know to hit the shift key. And the Enter key, FTW!

Camping, Long-Johns and The Dumb Laws "They" Think Up

2010-05-11T11:37:00.004-06:00

In Calgary there's this great little tradition that happens every May long weekend. Almost everyone young and lots of people who aren't, go camping.

I'm sure this is a common theme pretty much everywhere.

The difference is that in Calgary, for May-long, it snows. It is pretty much almost guaranteed to snow or at least rain. Not the pretty sunshiny frolicking in the fields and weaving daisies in your hair rain.

No, it's wet, heavy, gross rain. The kind that makes you wonder if maybe the apocalypse is coming and then you thank the sweet baby jebus that you said grace that one time when Aunt Mildred had the bubonic plague or laryngitis or whatever and so couldn't say it herself and forced you to think of stuff to say although you're pretty sure your family already thinks you're the anti-christ so really what does it matter if you botch up saying thank-you?

Amen

Most people are prepared for this and bring all their best winter-preparation tools: hats, gloves, down-filled sleeping bags, matches, long-johns (ladies, you're going to want to click that link - that dude makes even something as dorky as long wool underpants look hot), wool socks (one for the boys), flares, a portable generator, 6 gallons of whiskey and a few flashlights. You know, standard camping gear.

I've for sure gone camping with girls who have been all "ohemgee, look at my adorable little pink sleeping bag - it rolls into a neat little ball and fits in my pocket! Let me just put it in my teensy suitcase beside my tiny string bikini!" only to have her ending up zippering my sleeping bag together with hers so she could get a modicum of heat.

Guys? Where were you on that trip?!

Apparently the Provincial and National parks here - like Banff National Park, Kootenay Park, Castle Mountain, Yoho, Tunnel Mountain, basically all the good places to go camping - have banned liquor this year.

BANNED LIQUOR

\%W^*@^T$@!)(F*&%%$?!!

Seriously, what the shit? I'm not even sure that's legal. How can you take away something as life-sustaining, especially during cold days, as booze?

I mean sure, it's all sunny and good now but just you wait People-Who-Made-This-Dumb-Law, when that snow inevitably falls on May long this year, when those people out enjoying hooliganism and tom-foolery realize that they can't have a beer while camping?!

You'll all be in big trouble. I mean, that's like outlawing winter tires.

Getting Rid of Junk

2010-05-10T16:21:00.014-06:00

So, for some reason I started to feel all Spring-cleany yesterday, which is a really good thing because I haven't done a thorough clean since I moved in, in January. Meaning I've been living out of suitcases - one with shirts, one with skirts and one with random junk all thrown in together.

Because I'm organized like that

Then I realized I need my suitcase next week, and thus began my maniacal cleaning. I think I did at least 8 loads of laundry - the plus side being that I finally cleaned out my closet and the clothes that I never wear will finally get a new home.

Of course I still have entirely too many clothes but I went from having two normal sized closets at my old place, to having one small-ish closet here so I had to be creative with where I put my clothes.

My main closet holds my dresses and the jeans/pants that I opted to keep.

I have skirts in the front entrance closet and all my jackets and blouses, skirt suits and blazers at the back door, like where guests are supposed to hang their shiz.

Luckily I found this wire rack that manages to hold my sweaters well (note my makeshift bookshelf beside it - that's because I use my actual bookshelves for an entirely different purpose):

I'm going to have to either give these all away or plan on letting them collect dust, I don't think I'll need a hundred sweaters in Costa Rica.

Do you ever go through your closet and have a conversation that goes somewhat like this?:

"Self, do you really need to keep this {random article of clothing} that you haven't worn since {like seriously sometimes High School which is 8 YEARS ago}"

"But self! Wouldn't it be perfect for {some dumb thing that happens once a year}?!"

Then you throw it back in the closet, never to be worn or even thought of until the next time you try to clean your closet. Well this time I said "Eff it! If I haven't worn it in a year, I'm giving it away."

And this is what I ended up putting in the donation pile:

Well actually, these are just the jeans and pants.

I also threw out 12 pairs of old shoes, they were all old and in a state of disrepair, but it was still sad.

And speaking of shoes, here's what I use my bookshelves for:

I love me some shoes

Kinky Turkey Sex, Live Eels and The Reason(s) I'm Still Single

2010-05-05T00:02:00.006-06:00

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said "this one will hit you hard..." and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) "that's what he said!"

As the rep finished:"...with jammy raspberry and plum"

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: "bla bla something about security guards"
Boy: "Actually I'm undercover, like a secret shopper"
Alice: "So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don't shove a turkey in their pants?"
Boy: "Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert"
Alice: "No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then"

Wait, what!?

Alice: "I mean in a not sexual way. I'm not into that kinky turkey sex"
Boy: "...just the regular kind?"

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I'm an idiot.

I won't even get into how I managed to send him a message that said:

"Please never put a live eel in my bum"

How Travel Agents Get Their Rocks Off

2010-04-30T09:25:00.004-06:00

Ahhh!! I never Squee but I feel like squeee-ing because I did it! I booked my flight to Bloggers in Sin City! I had to change my travel dates (I arrive on Wednesday - anyone else be there yet? I also don't leave until Monday night - after the party there's the AFTER party baby) because I'm broke/cheap.

I want as much cash for being there as possible and for the extra 2 nights I can stay at my Dad's place down there for free so it just saves me money all around.

The other problem is the crazy, fly around the entire US of A flight path that these people put me on.

I'm pretty sure they were laughing at me as they booked it.

See, the way there isn't SO bad. I mean Calgary to Salt Lake City to San Francisco to Vegas.

Huh?

Ok, it takes about 7 hours total travel time and 3 plane changes:

Can we say large carry-on and no checked baggage?

On the way home?

Yeah, this is priceless. I mean Wow.

Just Wow:

Yep, they have me flying from Las Vegas to Fort Lauderdale to Houston and back to Calgary.

14 hours travel time and 3 MORE plane changes in the most random places ever!

It cost me less then $500 and NOW? Now I know why.

Oh well, the extra $400 I would have spent on direct or less ridiculous flights is now going towards booze.

You're Welcome!

I Need Some Talavera Too

2010-04-29T16:00:00.005-06:00

I was featured on the Bloggers in Sin-City page yesterday!

Now if I can find a fantastic deal on a flight I'll be thrilled, any suggestions?!

I'll have to visit my favorite souvenir shop while I'm down there...I'm getting low on dead cows

New Job, Boobs, Red Wine, and Gettin' Ma Hair Did

2010-04-22T20:46:00.007-06:00

I've been looking for a new job for a few weeks. My work has been slow and I dislike my female manager (who does the scheduling) because, well, she's one of those girls who is super nicey-nice fakey-fake to your face and actually not really very nice when you aren't around.

I had an interview today at a busy place on the Red Mile (the strip in Calgary made famous by the ultra non-violent party atmosphere of upwards of 55,000 fans during the Flames 2004 run to the cup).

Green means Go, bitches!

It basically got famous because lots of girls flashed their boobs. "Flames in six, show your t*ts!!"

We're all class, all the time.

At least we're happy drunks.

After the interview (I start Sunday, what's up now bitches?!), I was supposed to meet a couple of friends at a wine tasting.

It was pouring rain so I ran in my stupid sundress (it was SO warm this morning!) to the liquor store and, being 15 minutes late, expected my friends to be there. And be all like "where have you beeeeeen" but alas, no sign of them.

I had forgotten my phone at home and being the ~~terrible~~ awesome friend that I am, I know approximately 3 people's numbers (unfortunately one of those people happens to be my pseudo-ex so that even when I leave my phone at home if I know I'm getting drunk, guess who gets a call?)

So I drank wine by myself. It was delicious.

(I found out when I got home that one friend had to go to Saskatchewan that morning and the other had texted me like 6 times to figure out the plans. Whoops)

On my way home, it was still freezing so while I waited at the bus stop I decided to duck in the nearest building for shelter. It turns out it's a Spanish-English school and they are looking for English teachers! Coincidence??

Either way I'm supposed to go there next Wednesday to talk to the operations guy. I told them I don't care about money I just want experience and maybe some Spanish lessons.

WIN!

Also, I got my hair did and settled on this:

In a few months I'll go back and get lots more blonde put in, to make it all summery and such.

The One Where I Talk About My Mother

2010-04-22T00:28:00.007-06:00

Apparently I'm a "boomerang kid".

I just found this term today while I was Googling: "What to do when you were forced to move back in with your mother, who hates you and makes no effort to hide it, because you wanted to take this course that costs a ton of money which you just wouldn't have paying rent and bills on your crappy income, so you move back in for what's supposed to be 3 months but then your sister announces she is getting married in a few months so you can't exactly leave the country and miss her wedding or afford to leave and come back due to aforementioned crappy job."

So ya, there's that.

I've been back at home for not quite 4 months after living on my own for 4 years and with a roommate/boyfriend for 4 years before that.

8 years of independence, 4 months to make me feel like a rebellious, repressed teenager. My mother loves saying things like: "you're too old to be living at home" and "you're 20something years old and STILL living at home" and "find somewhere else to live" and "I let you live with me" and oh god I could go on. And on.

The thing is if I could think of any other option where I could save money for the next few months and then keep my stuff somewhere while I'm away for a few years, ANY other option. I would in a heartbeat.

My mother is one of the most difficult people on earth to live with. She snaps at the smallest things (one time she told me she HATES me and then didn't talk to me for a week (a full week) because I microwave shit in Tupperware. Apparently you aren't supposed to microwave your microwaveable containers. WTF.)

She also constantly calls me a drama queen, a princess and all the things that make you think of a spoiled little teenager. She's "joked around" that she should have had an abortion, in front of a good friend of mine, who, after meeting my mother once, is shocked that I turned out normal and with a sense of humor at that.

Meanwhile, my sisters (who are also in their 20s) live at home, never buy groceries, expect my mother to make dinner every night and never offer to help, and have never lived anywhere but home. Yet they seem to not get as much of the wrath as I do.

See, I'm even starting to sound like a teenager!

Honestly though, I do dishes, I buy groceries, I make dinner some nights, and I spend a lot of time keeping to myself.

Yet my mother brings up that I'm living at home and when I say something about my sisters being there she says "Well SL is saving for her wedding and getting married this year and SK is saving for her masters" in a tone that implies I'm worthless although I'm saving to start a new life in a different country and after living on my own for 8 years, since I'm taking a little saving money break, that makes me a horrible person.

Sorry for this rant, I'm just so frustrated. Anyone experienced anything like this?

Suggestions?

I'm to the point where I want to just apply for positions in Costa Rica now and just hope I can get time off for my sister's wedding. If I don't though, I'm basically punishing my sister and myself because my mother is insufferable.

And I'm literally miserable around her.

Hair Help!?

2010-04-18T19:30:00.009-06:00

Every few months I get this nagging voice every time I look in the mirror. I have this issue where I can't keep the same hair color for longer than a few months.

Today was my birthday, and being sick I went for a low-key brunch with my girlfriends then spent the rest of the day considering different options.

I've been blonde:

I've been strawberry:

I've been brunette:
I think what I'm going for next is dark red:

I have to keep in mind that summer is coming up, and my sisters wedding (where we will be wearing pink) is this summer as well...

Help?

Blog Swap!

2010-04-14T11:29:00.003-06:00

She sews! She cooks! She makes beautiful quilts!

Today is the 20sb Blog-swap so my post will be at Pamela's page, My Domestic Life, and hers is below!

The best thing about being a blogger.

Hi to everyone reading Alice’s blog!

I’m Pamela and I’m swapping blogs with Alice today. A little bit about me…I live in Southern Arizona where it is nice and warm right now, unlike the picture in Alice’s last post! I am 24 years old and I’m getting married in 17 days!

I started blogging on livejournal when I first went to college in 2003. I was pretty regular about posting and I pretty much just wrote whatever came to my mind. I just went back and read some of my earliest entries and I don’t really remember much of what was going on at the time. My first post ever was a link to a two carat platinum diamond ring and I say I feel sorry for whoever marries me. That pretty much sums me up! I like sparkalies!

In the last couple of years, I haven’t been very regular about posting and “real life” has gotten in the way of things, but this year, I decided I was going to get into it again. I enjoy writing about the mundane events of daily life and I like seeing that there are other people who are going through the same things I’m going through.

The best thing about being a blogger is that there is no pressure to write anything in particular. People can read it or not and it doesn’t make a difference to me. I enjoy being able to post a little update about my garden or singing my arm hair off while using the stove. The fun thing is that there are other people out there—sometimes on the other side of the world who are struggling with finding purpose in life, finding a career after college, getting married and figuring out who they are. I enjoy reading their blogs and I hope to put together a blog that other people enjoy reading and can relate to.

I have “met” some interesting people through my blog who have opened my eyes to different locations and cultures than I am exposed to here. When I post regularly, they are there and when I take a break and come back, they are still there. Other bloggers are always supportive and the community is always friendly.

So, the best thing about being a blogger is that the online community is always there and I can come and go as a please. I get to know people from all over the world and it is just fun!

So Does April Snow Bring May Bordeaux?

2010-04-09T12:18:00.010-06:00

Oh hai! Remember when April was all "hey April showers bring May flowers" and May was all like "Flowers! Yay! I love me some flowers" and remember how I live in Calgary so even when it's supposed to be APRIL it looks like this outside my window?

Hey! Weather! Are we for effing real right now?

Luckily that was last night and today the sun is shining, the snow is melting and people who suffer migraines are all like "what the shit?" you know, because changing weather hurts peoples heads.

I was planning on going around to apply for new jobs today. See, my job isn't exactly busting out the hours lately. I had 4 days off in a row this week and momma needs some money. The irony is that people are looking for summer-employees (with patio season coming and all) and it decides to snow! Ya, that'll get the boss in a hiring-for-summer mood. Not.

Thanks a lot.

Lastly, that cake I was intent on ~~destroying~~ making? I made my mom ice it for me. Because if you suck at something, make someone else do it for you.

I drank a whole pot of coffee this morning. Can you tell?

It'll Be A Work Of (Interpretive) Art

2010-04-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

So if you've read my blog for a while you may remember me saying that I'm a great cook but a terrible baker. All that measuring and exactness and precision. I'm way better at throwing a bunch of junk in a pan or pot or BBQ or grilling up some deliciousness.

Seriously.

Remember when I made baked mac n cheese and used a very wrong ingredient? How about that time I screwed up meringue by thinking cream of tartar and tartar sauce were the same thing (they're really not)?

And then there was the time after my first niece was born. I tried to make this delicious and adorable baby block cake for the surprise baby shower:

Adorable! It looked easy in the instructions - one sheet cake, a bunch of different icings, a piping bag and some little sugar candy animals, how hard can that be, right?

Wrong.

There are approximately 3 different WRONG icings in this picture, not to mention the deformed, crumbly, fingerprinted mess of cubes that literally fell apart as I tried to ice them. I think that empty glass probably had some Vodka to dull the pain of FAILure.

Yup, here's my lovely masterpiece:

I threw it in the garbage.

So, I'm planning on making a cake for a birthday dinner I'm going to on Wednesday. There are 6 of us celebrating our birthdays in April (mine's April 18th - now you have enough time to make me something extra especially awesome by then kthxbai)

25 of us are going for a nice dinner to a restaurant with free corkage, that's right FREE. Meaning we will each bring a bottle of wine and get extra especially drunk, so that when it comes time to present my cake, everyone will be too drunk to care what it looks like.

Hopefully.

Turn Left at the Alter

2010-04-04T11:45:00.006-06:00

So lately I've been thinking about weddings a lot. No, I'm not getting married but one of my baby sisters is. SL got engaged a month ago and already has the church, the reception hall, the bridesmaids dresses and yes, the wedding gown.

Anyhow, I was talking with a couple of friends about it and Boobie McGee says: "I really haven't thought about my wedding too much except..." and goes on to talk about how many bridesmaids she'll have, the colors, the centerpieces, the location, pretty much everything except for who the groom will be.

My mom loves weddings. Not like "hey neat-o I can help plan a bit" but more like she's taking a three part, 12 week cake decorating class so she can make the cupcakes for the wedding. She has ordered a bazillion yards of organza to make pew-bows and centre-pieces and chair-slips and ninja-ties or something.

I have been to approximately 789,000 weddings in my life. I used to work at a hoity-toity (shuddup spell check) private members-only, your-first-born-son-must-be-given-up-as-payment-club so there were weddings there practically every weekend. Plus my friends seem to enjoy getting married apparently.

I'm going to start feeling like that chick with the 27 bridesmaids dresses and no man pretty soon.

This post is all over the map. It's a wedding map but good lord, where was I going with this?

Oh right, I think when/if I ever get married I'm going to send invitations that say: "Come party in (insert awesome vacation spot here)".

Planning? Done.

A Few More Reasons

2010-03-19T01:14:00.006-06:00

Okay so I think we're all pretty much aware of the fact that if there's a hell I'm going there. Asshole party of one? Your table is ready. This is first evidenced here, and probably in numerous other places in this here weblog of mine but I'm far too lazy to go digging for examples.

In case you need a few more reasons, I present to you:

Reasons I'm Going to Hell, Part II

1. When I'm feeling particularly cheap, I tell the bartender wherever we happen to be that I'm the designated driver. This generally scores me a free soda for which I tip largely to ensure free refills all night.

I then proceed to top up the soda all night with the Vodka that I've managed to sneak in thanks to my ridiculously large purse.

2. I like to watch Biggest Loser sometimes. It's inspiring to watch those poor people have to shed hundreds of pounds...Even more inspiring while eating ice cream and chocolate chip cookies.

3. This?

Made me laugh.

A lot.

4. Two Words: Online Dating

It's not that these guys don't seem nice. It's mostly that they seem like complete and utter morons half of the time. Or maybe it's my Judgey McJudgerson personality.

Here's me, online dating: "ugh he spelled 'your' wrong, NEXT; too old, NEXT; What's with the hair? NEXT; too skinny, NEXT; Hmm...potential...potential (as I skim his profile)...ew whiny! NEXT"

And I wonder why I'm single*

*False. I don't wonder that.

My New Hometown?

2010-03-18T20:31:00.003-06:00

So I went to Vegas once when I was like ten, with my older sister, my uncle, his girlfriend and her daughter. We had a great time and all but ya, remember the part about how I was ten?

Then last May Tits McGee and I had to change our travel plans from Mexico to Vegas (remember the whole swine flu thing? Ya, our flights were canceled). We had a ridiculously awesome time the whole 8 days that we were there. We're crazy like that.

Okay, so then my dad bought a place there after my parents got divorced last year. Real Estate is cheap. He bought my sisters and I tickets to come visit him in February and we had a really amazing time being touristy (Hoover Dam) and acting like locals ("psshhh the strip") down there.

Now, there's a blog-meet-up in Vegas in May and I'm pretty sure I'm going. I know it'll be a fan-freaking-tastic time, and although I haven't been blogging lately, this gives me as good a reason as any to start again, get reacquainted with the old crew and meet some new ones.

This means I'll have gone to Vegas 3 times in ONE year though. Am I that crazy?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Fanmail

2010-03-15T00:17:00.004-06:00

I get excited when I see that I have a new comment, (as I'm sure you all do) so imagine my disappointment when I realized that half of them were from "Hello Baby". Don't get me wrong, she seems very nice. It's just that you know, say what you gotta say once and then maybe stop.

So we can all thank our new friend "Hello Baby" for the fact that I am now moderating comments. Also, because I'm curious (read: nosy) I had to check out this persons website and I probably have some sort of computer-herpes now. On the plus side, I found out that 爱丽丝 means Alice in Chinese, so there's that. Also, the fact that it's a Chinese website written in Spanish (what??) kind of made my day.

I'm an Idiot

2010-03-09T19:56:00.004-07:00

Like we needed more proof right?

So I come to this here neglected weblog, and sigh a sigh of discontentment. Still 5 comments?? I know I haven't written in a while but after 6 months you'd think a few measly people would have had at least something to say, right?

Ya turns out they did. I'm just dumb and somehow missed the part where you have to approve new comments?! And sitting patiently, waiting to be approved, were over 50 comments. Most of them pertained to how to make money quick, some sort of Chinese-type writing and how to buy the best blue cheese (what?) but there were a few from actual IRL readers. So anyway, you're approved!

Not nearly as excited (or wallet-draining) as being approved for a mortgage but hey, it's something.

In more exciting news I'm in the very last week of my CELTA program. Yes, I actually have moved back home (yeah, there's a few stories I'll be saving for Slit-Your-Wrist-Sundays) but it's been mostly not too bad. I have become a hermit living sequestered in the dark confines of my room.

Kidding.

Sort of.

The course itself is amazing. Amazing, hard, fun, interesting, stressful, informative and nerve-racking.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to being a waitress. Le Sigh. Although, seeing as how I saved the $2500 for the course in about a month, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to save a ton of money before I leave for Central America in the fall.

PS - who lives along the West coast? You'll be getting a visit from me. I'm planning on driving down so get those couches ready.

I'm fun, I swear!

Anyhow, I'm done my course at the end of the week and am planning a big trip to Edmonton to celebrate (for those of you who don't know, going to Edmonton to celebrate is like doing something really un-fun to...uh...celebrate. I suck at analogies today. My brain hurts.)

I'll have lots of time and lots of stories once I get back...

Shaping the Future

2009-09-07T10:15:00.004-06:00

If this blog was a child, the Child Protection Services people would be all over my ass like white on rice. Thank gawd it's not and the only thing I have to answer to is the guilt, sadness and feelings of inadequacy in my own heart.

I lose.

I do however have a new goal for myself (new as in I've been thinking about it for over six months now, and finally have a plan of action). I'm going to teach English overseas. After months of researching and (FAILing) at trying to save money for the CELTA course I have decided I'm going to move back in with my mother (cue death march music).

My lease expires at the end of this year and the course starts mid-February so I figure that gives me enough time to save the money necessary for the course. It will also give me ample time to remember why I moved out 7 years ago in the first place.

I'm really hoping the course is worth the $2500 price tag. Oh, and the emotional scarring I'll be sure to endure.*

There are some really important unresolved issues that I'll have to deal with in the upcoming months. Things such as: Where do I want to go teach? Will I survive 6 months to a year in a strange country? What am I going to do with all my shoes while I'm gone? I guess I'll just have to tackle these as they come.

I wonder if I can work: "How to Make the Perfect Dirty Martini" into a lesson plan...

*I'm mostly kidding. My mum can be fabulous - when she isn't stark raving mad

Lesson Learned: Don't Be A Drunktard

2009-08-25T11:36:00.006-06:00

I seem to have been having "one of those days" for the last few days. For example; I left my wallet in a cab on Thursday, the day before I was supposed to go do some important banking. I figured I would just use my passport as ID at the bank, but my passport seems to have taken a long trip somewhere without me.

Saturday I was resigned to the fact that I had lost my drivers license, my bank card, my passport, and more importantly my Shoe-aholic Spending card. That's a free pair of shoes right there bitches!

I got home from work to find a taxi drivers card and a note telling me if I ever wanted to see my wallet intact again, bring $500 G's in unmarked bills to the top of the Calgary Tower at midnight. Actually, it may have only said to call him, but it could read either way really.

They ended up calling me the next day with directions to their headquarters to pick the wallet up. Thank the sweet baby Jebus. That wallet is my life.

Yesterday I finally had a chance to head up to the place to grab my wallet with the intention of going to see my financial adviser and get that banking done afterward. Of course when I get there they can't find my wallet anywhere and they insist that the driver must still have it.

Finally after fifteen painful minutes (my cab's meter was still running outside!) they managed to track it down and finally I could say I win at life.

Until I got to the bank and realized I was 10 minutes too late for their 4 o'clock closing, only to walk to the next branch to get there 5 minutes after they closed at 4:30.

Banking FAIL

Here's another example of the kind of week I'm having:

This video is pretty self-explanatory

Party Dress FAIL

The "L" Word

2009-08-08T10:56:00.004-06:00

The last few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least, hence the blog-slackery. I'll start with the men (of which there seem to be many - my psychic told me I surround myself with men as a sort of protection. Living, breathing emergency hand rails).

The guy who was all needy (before I went to Vegas)? Well he came into my work last week and now he's been texting me saying how good it was to see me and that we should do lunch or grab a drink. Remember how I told you you were needy?? Ya, you're not helping yourself here.

Then there's a guy I'll call Tiger (he's a golfer) we've been out several times and he finally kissed me a few weeks ago (after I lost a game of pool). He's really sweet and I've actually known him since I was 15 or 16. We used to work together as cooks (I flashed him some bra one time for extra chicken fingers), and he'd drive me home from work but we were always just friends.

Anyway, it's been almost two months that we've been "dating" and he still hasn't tried anything. It makes me wonder - is it because he had a religious upbringing? (His parents are Jehovah's Witness' but he's pulled away from that and deems himself "unsure religiously". Still you have to wonder what he retained from that), so is he maybe unsure how to proceed? Is he just a gentleman? Do those exist?

Then there's Pseudo. I saw him again last week. We went for a walk and then back to my place and while we were doing stuff that doesn't involve sleeping* he said "I love you, Alice" just like that.

So I obviously ignored him, since I suck at life. Well and he'd had a few drinks and I was stone-cold sober so it really wouldn't be fair for me to take advantage of a weak moment.

Needless to say I've been thinking about it all week. I'm visiting my sister and her family in Victoria until next Tuesday which has been a welcome and much needed vacation. I have no idea what I'll do when I get back, but I'll worry about that when the time comes...

*Thanks D for the right way to word that eloquently

There's A Snake in Ma Boot!

2009-07-09T13:07:00.005-06:00

So Stampede is half over and it's been quite an interesting week so far.

Somehow even though I've been working for ten days straight (my next day off is Sunday - thank the sweet baby Jebus), I've still managed to get myself in a fair amount of trouble. So far, from what I remember, here's a summary of the week:

Saturday:

After work went to my "Cheers" and ended up at Pseudo's

Sunday:

Worked all day, went to Blondie's boyfriends birthday BBQ (try saying that 5 times fast) where we ate a fabulous spread that included flat-bread appetizers, grilled steak that had been marinated for 12 hours (yum!), an incredible reduced balsamic dip and tons of other delicious food
We then proceeded to have a flippy cup tournament. There were 13 of us so we had a 3 team Round Robin - best of 7. We obviously got drunk.
The limo showed up, we all piled in and drank copious amounts of champagne...and beer (Klassy)
We went to the first bar where the ten guys bought each of us 3 girls at least 3 shots
Next stop? Our "Cheers" - obviously more shots followed
Last stop on the Limo train was the bar affectionately nicknamed "The WhoreHouse". Obviously we had more shots. I don't think I bought a single drink - it was a shooter night
I lost my purse with everything in it - phone, camera, money, wallet, keys
Found said purse sitting casually on the dance floor an hour later. With everything still in it.
Lost all of my friends except for one. We eventually found one other friend who had jumped over an overpass to the street below trying to chase after half of our group. Giant FAIL as he was now limping.
Took jumper to friends house and put a bag of peas on his foot. Woke up in the morning to him puking from the pain. His foot was black and blue and swollen like a football. Um ya turns out he broke it...

Wednesday:

Frenchie came and met me after I was done work, we consumed at least a bottle of wine and headed to "Cheers" (where else?) where we played drunken darts and drank a lot of vodka
Two dumb guys were running their mouths, trying to act like they were a really big deal (RBD). After last call they bet me $20 I couldn't get another beer. Have I mentioned that this is the bar I frequent and always tip really well? They didn't stand a chance. I even warned them that they were being idiots. I told the bartender I'd give him $20 for a Kokanee and he looked at me like I was nuts. He would have given it to me for free but whatever. I went back up to the guys, beer in hand.
The guy who bet me handed over the $20 and said: "whatever, bottled beer is easy. There's no way he'd pour you a draft beer..." I just laughed. RBD says: "I'll bet you $50 you couldn't get a draft beer"
I went back to the bar and told Bartender I'd give him $25 for a draft beer. Again he thought I was nuts but handed me a Keith's.
As soon as I went back upstairs with the beer the 2 guys just shook their heads and handed me the $50 bucks. Don't make stupid bets with me boys.

I'm kind of a big deal.

I still have the last weekend to go, and I'm sure even with my hectic work schedule I'll manage to get a few more crazy nights in.

Sometimes I just love Stampede.

The One In Which I'm Emotional

2009-07-05T16:59:00.004-06:00

(For the full Pseudo story - click here and scroll down)

Ex-Pseudo called me last night. I was at my "Cheers" playing Buck Hunter after work. The phone rang and everything else ceased to matter. My heart stopped, I felt my breath catch in my throat.

I haven't spoken with him in months, I haven't seen him in over a year and yet the same old feelings came crashing down around me. Last time he called in October, I didn't answer the phone - this time I did.

As soon as I saw it was him calling I knew it was over for me. I didn't think about the great guy I've been on two dates with recently and who sends me sweet random texts; I didn't think about what was going to happen when I saw Pseudo; I didn't think logically or take the time to think about the ramifications of what may or may not happen. I answered and I knew I would see him.

"B saved you some pizza, come to B's house," as if we had spoken an hour ago. I laughed and told him I wasn't sure, knowing full well I'd be over there shortly.

When I got there he said: "I guess you know me and T-Bone broke up?" to which I replied (honestly) "umm...no actually I didn't".

I couldn't believe I was there. I berated myself but yet felt happy. I can't begin to explain, I don't even understand it myself.

I woke up in his arms

And now I'm lost again

Calgary Blogger Meet-Up

2009-06-18T10:54:00.005-06:00

Ok kids, time to do something a little crazy - meet each other.

Mich at Who is Mich is organizing a Calgary area blogger meet-up so anyone in the area who wants to come out of their hypothetical closet...wait, I mean shell...? (That's Nutshell to you Carmen) should come down for some drinks and all that good stuff.

Here are the details:

Sunday June 21st at 12:30
Earls on Stephen Avenue
Drinks and Appies

Pretty sure Earls is somewhere around here...

(Erm...Circa 1912)

For you Calgary peeps, I have long hair that's not really blonde or red or brown and wear high heels. Look for me there.

Seriously what color would you call it?

I'm not making any promises to be showered though. It's Sunday morning for gawdssakes

Does Running Late Count As Excercise?

2009-06-10T12:02:00.006-06:00

I've never been what you would call "athletic". My older sister won various metals for High School wrestling and I'm pretty sure she played soccer for a while too.

My younger sisters were both on their High School Rugby team, which went on to win the City Championship the year they graduated, thanks in large part to the two of them (they are tiny girls - but tough). They are both still on a soccer team and play Ultimate Frisbee and Dodgeball a few times a week.

The closest to sports in High School I got, on the other hand, was taking Sports Medicine so I could flirt with the football players. Oh and I was a cheerleader (although we called it a Dance Squad).

Don't judge me.

My first foray into real sports was when I was 5 - I was put on a soccer team where I could consistently be found picking flowers on the sidelines while I was supposed to be defending the goal.

Or kicking the ball.

Or something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge klutz or super lazy - I took dance for 16 years and was a pro-star bowler when I was 8 (ya, I'm awesome, I know). You can also laugh at my first foray into having a Personal Trainer here.

I have no brothers so my poor father, with 4 daughters, taught us all how to throw a mean spiral, made sure we know how hockey works and took us to all kinds of games. I just never got into the strict structure of actually playing a competitive team sport.

This summer I've decided I'm going to get my shit together and be more active. I played soccer with my sisters (and I actually wasn't bad if I do say so myself), I played tennis with some friends last weekend, I started boot camp this morning and I'm about to strap on my roller blades so I can practice not looking like an idiot.

As of right now my stopping consists of flailing my arms, stepping on the grass and hoping there is a pole/tree/fence that I can grab onto or just falling on my ass.

If anybody knows a fail-proof method for stopping - Please for the love of all that is good let me in on your secret

Hopefully my new found enthusiasm for "being active" and "eating less shitty food" can last all summer.

After all summer is only, like, 2 months long here.

Marry This

2009-06-04T19:00:00.004-06:00

The sweet sounds of summer are in the air; BBQ's grilling, neighbors mowing their lawns (finally), birds chirping, the shrill shrieks of Bride-to-be's yelling at their wedding planners...

Yes, summer means that wedding season is fast approaching. That's right, don your party gown and say a little prayer that your friends groom has at least some hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies that you can bat your pretty little eyelashes at because this night is going to be long. I should know - I went to seven weddings last year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all you marrieds/about-to-be-marrieds (mostly because now I don't have to listen to you whining about how that guy from last night never called you today - hello, give it a few days*) but weddings do come with their own set of problems for us single folk.

Firstly, I have a name and a "plus one". Most of the time I choose to forgo the date and just go as my fabulous single self but when all your friends are bringing their boyfriends, it changes things a bit.

See, now I have to scramble to figure out which of my single guy friends will fit in best with each crowd. I have to make sure said Plus One is attractive, witty and charming and mostly that he will be attentive to me so as not to embarrass me and/or the bride. I have to choose wisely because if the aforementioned hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies actually exist, my Plus One better not stand in my way.

There's also a problem with going at it alone. As much as I like the bride's Uncle Jimbo trying to feel me up on the dance floor and then tell me he thought I was his wife (oh you mean the chick with dark hair that is 4 inches shorter than me and 20 years older? Ya I'd totally get us confused too), I've had my share of it. And your share too for that matter.

Then there's the barrage of "Grandma-means-well" questions about our own marital history and future, or lack thereof. Why is it your business (worse when it's a complete stranger), to ask me WHY I'm not married? Why are you married? What if I told you it was because I prefer emotionless, meaningless sex with no strings, huh Grandma - happy now?

You asked.

Also: I'm not allowed to wear white, I'm not allowed to wear black, I'm not allowed to wear anything sexy, I'm not allowed to wear too much makeup, I'm not allowed to wear anything too short and my shoes aren't allowed to be too high.

Good thing I don't follow directions well, we just eliminated the majority of my wardrobe.

All I'm really saying here is if I ever get married I'll make sure to stock the bar with hot single people so my friends have someone to ~~drool at~~ talk to.

Ya, I'm generous like that

* kidding - well maybe not really

Las Vegas - I Love You

2009-06-01T23:30:00.007-06:00

We got back from Las Vegas late last night and I have a golf tournament early tomorrow morning so this will be a brief pictorial essay of the trip only - more to come!

Can I first just say that I freaking adore Vegas: bottle-service, free champagne, open bars, stretch Escalade Limousines, hot NYC Firefighters (um AND cops), New York and New Jersey accents ("Ya he's my cuz! Fuggedaboudit!"), delicious food, Vodka and the beach at Mandalay Bay?

Alright, now for some pictures:

Our view of the "beach";
so-called because they trucked in 14 acres of sand

Beach + Hot Lifeguards + Beer + Sunshine
= Alice in Heaven

Delicious Pannacotta at Wolfgang Puck's Restaurant
Trattoria de Lupo

Self Portrait

Our ride to Rain at the Palms
No big deal

I have lots of stories to tell and about a mess-zillion (see what I did there?) pictures were taken but for now I'm heading to my own bed for the first time since surviving a week in Vegas

Still (not) Kissing Frogs

2009-05-20T17:32:00.007-06:00

I think it's about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. Here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Le Sigh.

Bachelor #1: YOU SEEM NICE GET BACK IF YOUR INTERERSTED

A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: "I work about 60 hours about in concrete. im happy with my life". That's all he says and the only answer to the typical "About Me" stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I'd like to know how I seem nice when you've never spoken to me. You can't really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that's to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does "about 60 hours about in concrete" mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?

NEXT!

Bachelor #2: do u have msn?

While I'm at it, can I just give you my address? We haven't exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks; "gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me, I should definitely give him a chance."

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 33 male 5'9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you're sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are "only one x" sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking east indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you're so good-looking why don't you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you're looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind.

On the positive side of life, I met a very nice, good-looking guy at a party last weekend. We hung out all night, dancing and chatting. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy I knew got into a fight (I know, right? How old are we boys?) with some other guy and I was dragged out of the party before getting the chance to exchange numbers with my hot guy.

I should have left a shoe like Cinderella...

♦♣♥♠ Vegas Baby ♦♣♥♠

2009-05-12T16:51:00.003-06:00

As I said last post, I'm heading to Vegas in exactly 2 weeks and am uber thrilled about it. My girlfriend recently broke up with her boyfriend and needs a vacation like nobodies business. I just need a vacation in general!

We are staying at Mandalay Bay and planning to take it easy a few days - just beaching it and being water babies. I really want to do a Grand Canyon tour but haven't found anything reasonably priced yet. We also want to do some shopping (hello outlet stores? I want some choos!)

We're also trying to figure out what else to do (probably a Cirque du Soliel - maybe O?) and what clubs are fab down there.

I'd really like to play poker as well. O was thinking of entering in a tourny but one of my friends (who plays down there all the time) says that they are loose tourists playing and it turns into shitty luck-only poker. I would want to play with people who are a bit more serious but not lose major coin with the high-rollers. Maybe cash games instead?

Does anyone have extensive Vegas experience or tips/advice based on your travels?

In other exciting news, I have lost 11 pound in just under three weeks - I'm tracking it on my other blog: Alice's Appetence along with recipes etc. if anyone is interested!

Danger! Been So Long (sing it!)

2009-05-07T21:35:00.005-06:00

Wow so I've been away from this here blogosphere for a million and a half years. Sorry for not reading/writing anything in the past mmm...2 months?! It's been busy and crazy and I feel like all I do lately is work. Not a whole lot of inspiration for posts there right now, unfortunately.

Let's see...updates?

My father has settled onto his new place with his bro and fam. It's actually been really nice because when I see either of my parents they are both in much better moods then when they were together. As strange as it all still is, I just know it's best this way for EVERYONE involved. Thank baby Jebus for small miracles

I was supposed to go to Mexico (Puerto Vallarta) for a week at the end of this month. Ya so that's not gonna happen. Even if we still wanted to go all of the flights are canceled and we're SOL. I feel really sorry for anyone who was planning a wedding down there at this time - yikes!

Two of my very good friends have gone through major relationship trauma lately. One of them found out that her fiance had been dating another girl for a few months. Awesome.

Another of my good friends' boyfriends decided to break up with her after NINE years, on her birthday, via text message. Yup, that's as scummy as they come. Oh wait, he also called her a cunt and told her to move all her "shit" out in a nice voicemail he left her that day. She can't even get half the house because he hadn't gotten around to switching it into his name from his Aunt.

All of which pretty much makes me glad I'm single right now. That guy I was seeing for a bit? Ya, he turned weird. He got kind of needy and expected me to just go wherever he was. He would get really whiny if I was tired and just wanted to stay home or if I was working and didn't feel like going out afterwards. Especially when the text messages I'd get were simply: "@ Melrose[bar]" when we had never discussed meeting that night. Sorry, not giving up my life to tag along with you or just coming when you text like a little puppy.

I had my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. I'm not really sure why this birthday feels the worst so far but I actually feel like I have no excuse to get drunk and make bad decisions. Le sigh. Doesn't mean I won't still do that but hey, now I get to feel guilty about it! Cheers!

Instead of Mexico, my girlfriend and I are heading to Vegas! I haven't actually ever been there (unless you count when I was 8 - which I don't really) so I'm very excited. We're staying at Mandalay Bay for 5 nights - it's going to be a Gong show!

So there's my life in a nutshell - hopefully I'll get my act together here soon and be able to write more. All this working and making money is really starting to hinder my artistic side.

Because We Needed Another Reason to Dislike Nickleback

2009-04-03T13:29:00.005-06:00

It's been a celebrity filled year up here in Average-Land. First we had the Trailer Park Boys in January, then Tori and Dean, later that same week we had the choreographer from Dancing With the Stars - Jean Luc Godard and yesterday we had two of the members of Nickleback.

Do you people in the States get subjected to these guys? If so, I'm very sorry - they actually stemmed from Alberta (in a small town butt-f*ck nowhere, but still Alberta) so I do apologize and I promise not all bands here are that repetitive or shitty.

Sure they had a good start, a few catchy tunes, but then their music started going downhill faster then my last relationship (and that's fast). There's a radio station in Calgary that actually has a No Nickleback Guarantee, and they stand by it proudly.

Last night after they played in Calgary, two of the guys came in and were sitting at the bar. I don't know if they expected special treatment (they did) but we were super busy with the post concert and post music society concert rush. I got about 8 large tables in all at once and my bartender probably got 5 and he had to make all the drinks.

The two Nickleback guys were with another guy who has been into our restaurant before. He's the one who told us who these guys were. After Bartender served them each a few drinks it was dying down and we were thinking about doing last call. Most of my tables were finishing up. Nickleback dudes asked Bartender for a couple more drinks and because they were friendly enough, Bartender gave them each a shot as well.

So last call is over, these guys have three double rye Pepsi's each in front of them and they go outside for a smoke. We see them go into the hotel lobby across the street and head into the lobby bar. Bartender heads over there to see what they're doing and tells them they've still have to come back and pay their tab. They promise they'll be right back over.

We leave their drinks at the bar and finish everything else up. By now it's been over half an hour and Bartender sees them outside smoking by the hotel (none of these guys was the lead singer btw - apparently he's not a douche says our friend who has partied with him before). Bartender heads over to the tallest one and says:

BT: "Listen man I need to do my cashout and close up here"
NB: "Oh ya for sure man, you need to get shit done. How much is the tab?"
BT: "it's at $115 bucks"
NB (as he pulls out a wad of cash): "Here you go man, thanks a lot" (hands BT $120)
BT: "Really?"
NB: "Ya man it's all yours. Great job man"
BT: "Really?! 5 bucks, really?" he shakes his head and comes back to the restaurant. Right before he gets inside he says to the guy "I hooked you guys up and you're giving me five dollars? Really?"

Basically Bartender had to serve them past last call, gave them free shots, had to chase them down twice, and got a super shitty tip when they finally paid.

So we drank their untouched rye's.

Breaking News!

2009-03-30T15:06:00.003-06:00

Well, more like an update - it's been two weeks since I've written anything. I feel like I've been so busy but at the same time, I haven't really even been. More like lazy. Anyway, it's about time for a recap, bullet point style

I hung out with Bro a few weeks ago; a couple of us went over to his place after going out. It was there that I realized maybe he isn't actually my type. He has over 1,000 porn movies in his collection. Now I have no issue with guys having some porn: magazines, a few DVDs, whatever. When you have two ginormous CD cases full of every porn imaginable, you might have a problem. And I might get an inferiority complex...NEXT!
Remember when I burnt my arm? I have this scar on my arm that I wish I could get rid of. Does anyone know the best way to get rid of a scar? I've head of using Vitamin E among other things, any success stories?
I met a new dude that I've been on a couple dates with. He's cute though ten years older then me, he has a good job and actually calls when he says he will. I'm not going to say too much since I always jinx things like this!
I helped my dad pack and move a bunch of stuff this morning. My parents have lived there since I was a baby so it was strange to be pulling out all his stuff from the crawl-space and taking down the paintings that are his. It'll be a weird week.
I had an interview last week that I thought went really well, but the girl I'd be working closely with is actually my friend PartyGirl. Maybe the interviewer thought it was a negative that we're friends? I'm not sure what went wrong.

That pretty much sums up my last two weeks, hopefully as soon as all this snow melts I'll be in better spirits and writing more!

A Story of Coincidence

2009-03-12T07:52:00.005-06:00

I love when strange things happen that can't really be explained. Take for example the story of King Umberto I:

In Monza, Italy, King Umberto I, went to a small restaurant for dinner, accompanied by his aide-de-camp, General Emilio Ponzia-Vaglia. When the owner took King Umberto's order, the King noticed that he and the restaurant owner were virtual doubles, in face and in build. Both men began discussing the striking resemblances between each other and found many more similarities.

a) Both men were born on the same day, of the same year, (March 14th, 1844).
b) Both men had been born in the same town.
c) Both men married a woman with same name, Margherita.
d) The restaurateur opened his restaurant on the same day that King Umberto was crowned King of Italy.

Strange as that was, on the 29th of July 1900, King Umberto was informed that the restaurateur had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident, and as he expressed his regret, he was then assassinated by an anarchist in the crowd.

While my story isn't quite that epic, I still find it pretty entertaining.

One night this week a bunch of us headed to the local "Cheers" watering hole for a brewsky after work. We were talking about Tori Spelling (who was going to be shooting scenes at the Restaurant) when one of the guys brought up the fact that Aaron Spelling is her dad and that's the only reason she got famous.

I made some comment about nepotism (the showing of favoritism toward relatives or friends based upon that relationship, rather than on an objective evaluation of ability or suitability) and how it happens often. One of the guys laughed and told me that he had heard that word for the first time earlier in the day.

There was a comedian, Gerry Dee, who has done a few stories on TSN. While they were playing the hockey game in our lounge that night, Gerry Dee was on talking about the Sutters (hockey family) and said: "Can you say nepotism?" when asking Darryl Sutter about his son (who plays hockey).

We had a whole discussion about coincidence and how once you hear a new word, all of a sudden it's everywhere.

The next day I head into work, sit down at the bar to have a bite before starting work and look at the television - which is playing the nepotism clip from the night before. The bartender says to a table behind me: "does that ever stop being strange?"

I turn around to see Gerry Dee sitting at the table behind me.

My New BFF

2009-02-27T13:33:00.006-07:00

While Calgary isn't exactly an international mecca of film making and success, we do get a fair number of celebrities to this here city. The Restaurant where I work is sort of attached to one of the hotels where a large portion of them stay and directly across from another very upscale hotel.

We usually have all the football players in whenever there's a game in Calgary (Roughriders, BC Lions, Alouettes etc. - for you Americans this means nothing), we've had Jane Seymour in (all the guys fell in love with her), Mila Kunis, Keisha Shante, LeAnne Rimes, Jason Preistly was in, Dean Cain, The Trailor Park Boys have been in twice (they are actually so funny in person). We've also had bands, musicians and dancers.

Some of the big names roll with an entourage but most of them just have a friend or two. Generally they come in, hang out and everyone leaves them alone.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been spotted in and around town the last week or so. A few days ago they came into the Restaurant with their kids and a woman who was most likely the nanny. Of course everyone was like "omg it's Tori Spelling" but no one really approached them.

Last night while I was working, I realized that they were sitting at one of my tables in the lounge, (sans kids of course). He is gorgeous; she is tiny and even with no makeup still really pretty. I went up to them and we started chatting about our wines and then Sushi (she had a craving). I was trying to act like they were just any other table.

After I poured their wine (Amarone - my favorite), he asked me what my name was. I introduced myself and he shook my hand and said "I'm Dean," then she shook my hand and said "I'm Tori". I felt like saying "Obviously!" but I just said "nice to meet you!"

They had a glass of wine each and were going to eat but decided to get some sushi. They had half a bottle left so I just left it behind the bar and told them they could pay when they got back.

Three hours later, they show up again. They remembered my name and started telling me how bad the sushi was. I joked that they should have just stuck with our soup like they had originally planned.

As they were leaving I told them to have a good time here and I overheard her say "that was really nice, we should come back here". I couldn't believe how nice and down to earth they were; she almost seemed shy introducing herself, and they were so obviously in love (he kept calling her "mama") it was absolutely adorable.

Who says celebrities have to be snobs?

The Trump Way

2009-02-24T22:17:00.006-07:00

I'm not trying to make anyone jealous here but I have some very exciting news to share...I'm sure it's only because of all the charitable work I've been doing. Well, that and let's face it, I am kind of a big deal.

See, I've been sent a very special personal invitation to join Donald Trump himself at a very exciting seminar held right here in Calgary. Not only was I personally invited but I received 2 complimentary VIP tickets. That's right bitches, Don and I are tight like that.

Apparently I'm going to learn about property investment and how to be a Real Estate mogul. It'll even teach me how to be my own boss Forever.

Now, the card only had a small sample of all the great things I'll be learning but it does put emphasis on the fact that (and I quote): "This is what I have learned the hard way, in the streets, fighting to grow my empire and fighting to stay on top"

I'm not really sure what kinds of things you learn on the streets of Park Avenue but I'm sure it'll be very eye-opening.

I'm pretty sure the signature is authentic and the card is hand-signed, after all what better things could he possibly be keeping busy with?

Don't worry, I won't forget about you while I'm off living my lavish lifestyle and making millions simply by looking at buildings.

Some More Irony

2009-02-22T22:21:00.003-07:00

Remember Bro? Remember The Russian? If not and since you're all too lazy to click links I'm sure, I'll give you a very brief synopsis.

Bro is my old boss' brother. He's really nice and very charismatic; he was working up North so I hadn't seen him since Christmas. The Russian is my ex-boyfriend from High school who I hadn't seen since then until he came into my (old) work one day with his (kinda?) friends. He was the first guy I really cared about and we went through a lot together.

This is how my messed up life works...I hadn't seen either of them in a while and kind of even forgot about both of them since, you know, life happens.

Well Friday night guess who comes into the Restaurant and sits at my bar...Bro. He told me he was even going to call the restaurant to make sure that I was working but decided to just come see. Him and his friend hung out and drank for a couple hours, I chatted with him about his work and all that but I was really busy so didn't really get to talk too much.

As they were leaving, his friend paid and left $150 for the $137 bill. I was kind of upset about it because I had given them a discount and everything but whatever. Bro came back from the bathroom though and shook my hand, stealthily slipping me $40 in the process. He's back now from up North and won't be going back until next year so he said he'll call me and I guess we'll see where that goes!

As for The Russian, Saturday night I had a girls night with some friends. We drank a ton of wine and champagne and then headed out dancing. As I'm outside smoking, who do I see but the Russian walking towards me. He grabbed me in a big hug and started going on about he dropped his phone in beer or something so had obviously lost my number.

Him and his friend ended up hanging out with us girls for the rest of the night; dancing, drinking, all that fun stuff. I don't know if it's a Russian thing or what but he's very direct. He asked me if I had loved him, he told me that seeing me again must be fate (it is kinda strange that I didn't see him for over 7 years and then run into him twice in a few months, but fate? I dunno) and is totally comfortable asking potentially awkward questions.

He came over to my place after and it was fabulous. Gotta love not raising your numbers and still getting some. Especially when it's way better then you remember. We actually had a really good conversation in the morning about life in general, what's changed, what's the same, my parents divorce, his stint in the army, everything in general.

As he was leaving he said "I'll call you," to which I replied "like last time?" and laughed. He could only shake his head and point to his new phone, which is apparently not covered in beer.

Of course, seeing the two guys I kissed a few months ago, randomly in the same weekend, after not having seen either for over two months WOULD only happen to me.

A Very Special Award

2009-02-18T13:22:00.001-07:00

Matt, I was just saving this one for you:

Two Posts & A Baby

2009-02-17T22:38:00.002-07:00

Just kidding - there;s no baby - Tricked you !!

Guys, seriously it's TUESDAY night and here I am - drunk. It's my friends birthday and I had to down a bottle of wine before going out because I'm cheap amd don't want to spend money.

I also have a funny story about a gay guy hitting on me - seriously, it was awesome. Best. Compliment. Ever. Remind me to tell you or I'll totally forget. I'm awkward like that.

Anyway, this is the second drink blog in under a week - that spells bad news (or good times??) so I thin k really i should not get on the compurter after drinking a bottle to myself. I refuse to spell check this although it may break my heart reasindg (errm reading) it tomorrow and seeing how absol;utely awful I am at drunk typing. I always double (triple) chjeck but I won't allow it this time. (Must. Not. Change. Words.)

I just re-read this and am appalled at my spelling but such is life. Time to go par-tay with the drunk idiots now. I mean that in the nicest way possible - uI love therm, seriously.

Okay Rambkler McTalksALot - I'm out.

Drum Roll Please

2009-02-17T17:56:00.007-07:00

This post is long overdue because I'm behind on everything and also, lazy.

I received a few wonderful awards - I love these things, they pretty up your page and make you feel good about yourself. We all need some love in February I think.

The first two are from the fabulous, brilliant Tova over at The Secret Life of Tova Darling. I love that girl, her Totally Awkward Tuesday posts always make me giggle because I'm an especially awkward person too.

Alright so this one is the "Premio Dardos" award which I guess means Darts Award:

"This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like this have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."

Next up, the Friends (?) Award (I only won this because I knew what the hell the description meant by self-aggrandizement):

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind of bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to three bloggers who must choose three more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I especially like the part about how cleverly written the caption is. Whoever wrote that sure loves themselves. Awesome.

Last but not least, the talented and gorgeous LipSmacker from Lipstick Diaries gave me this award eons ago, and I sort of dropped the ball but I love it!

So thank you ladies, you're awesome!

The first award I'd like to give to the clever and always captivating Errant Gosling who lives in his Aerie; the ever witty Ben, who has so many awards he'll need a new shelf soon (and he deserves every one) over at No Ordinary Rollercoaster; and the sarcastic, lovable BeckEye at The Pop Eye

The second award I think should go to Alice over at Alice's Wonderland (because great minds really do think alike), the adorable Angela at My Quiet Testimony, and the hilarious Paula at *Insert My Blog Name Here*

The third award I'd like to pass along to Miss D over at Shallow and Very, Very Single, the fabulous MegKathleen at Golightly, and the amazing Chele (and her alter ego Laila) at The Tambourine Queen.

Drunk Bloggingh

2009-02-14T04:21:00.000-07:00

The worst part og that title is that i was trying to be clevr and say blunk drogging but messed up and put it thr right way instead. I only know I'm drunk. Sleep time

Alice's Advice

2009-02-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

Reading one of the ever hilarious Brandy's posts, in which she was talking about a wine hangover, I realized that I knew the cure for this debilitating condition. Which then made me think that maybe I actually know more about Stuff That Matters then I thought I did. So without further ado here is the first segment of: Alice's Advice

1. The secret to enjoying wine hangover-less: try taking an antihistamine (like Claritin) either before you drink the wine or right before you go to sleep. There are a lot of histamines in wine which can cause headaches and that general crappy I-Want-to-Kill-Myself feeling

Also, if you are drinking red wine try having a cup of black tea before you drink the wine and maybe another one after a few glasses. You might feel like an idiot ordering tea at a wine bar but trust me, the bioflavonoids in tea counteract the histamines that cause headaches.

2. Another great hangover cure (after a night of heavy Vodka consumption for example) is to drink anything green. A shot of wheat grass is number one, with that Happy Planet Green Machine (or something - I dunno the name but it's green) drink coming in a close second. Guzzle that crap back and you'll feel just dandy in half an hour (that's what she said).

3. Body wash does not work as shampoo. Neither does bubble bath.

4. If you have a very common first and last name, don't fly a short distance, on standby, last minute, over the US border. Even white girls get strip searched.

5. When on a first date save the stupid questions for once the relationship gets boring. If you want to know what I do for fun, ask me to plan a date. Don't ask me what I do for fun, I'm certain my answer won't be what you want to hear.

6. Getting a friend to call in sick to work for you only works if it is not 3 in the morning and if said friend is not as obliterated on cheap beer as you are.

Alright kids, there you have it. Some sage words of advice, I tell you. Need any answers to life's tough questions? Unsure how to get the soap scum off your mirror? Well, don't ask me. That's what Yahoo answers are for.

Irony is Awesome

2009-02-05T17:00:00.004-07:00

I was supposed to go meet Frenchie for coffee after work today but was running a bit late. I saw the train coming and decided that I didn't have time to pay for the ticket.

In Calgary it's an honor-system basically, and the only one in North America that actually makes money. Usually, even though I'm one stop outside of the free fare zone (downtown it's free to ride the train), I'll pay for it. The transit cops like to sit at my stop and hand out $150 tickets and I'd really rather not be paying for their coffees for the month.

Anyway, today I didn't have time so I ran across the street and into the door of the train right before it shut. Suddenly I got a gut feeling that the transit cops (I use the term "cop" loosely) would be there, in fact I almost got off the train downtown to buy a ticket and wait for the next one.

We arrive at my stop and, of course, the cops are standing on the platform. Luckily I was on the last car so I just ducked into the next one while they were busy checking everyone on the platforms tickets. I can't afford $150. Also, I didn't pay my last C-train ticket (I sound like a criminal here) so I'm not sure what they do to you, haul you off to pseudo-jail? Fine you double? I really didn't want to find out.

I get to the next stop only to realize that there's no sidewalk and the only way to get to my house is down a busy road that is currently covered in slush, mud and ice. I'm tiptoeing around in this in my stilettos when I suddenly realize that a sidewalk has appeared across the street. In my excitement I started to cross and then see a car heading straight for me.

"Shit, shit, shit," I started yelling as I continued running to cross - another car coming the opposite direction came out of nowhere and I was almost toast. I made it to the other side and realized that I couldn't breath. Whether from my asthma, the cold, the panic or what, I don't know but I started gasping for air.

I slowly made my way down the hill knowing that my inhaler was at my house, a few blocks away. I finally made it home; wet, cold, gasping for breath and shaken.

The reason I was running late? I was at a Health & Safety meeting.

Divorce - Fun for the Whole Family!

2009-01-28T11:42:00.004-07:00

I should probably explain my last post so I don't just look like Debbie-Downer over here.

I went to my parents house on Sunday, like I do every week. My parents are getting divorced but they still live together, like they have for 27 years. They each have their own living room, and they don't sleep in the same bedroom - it's been like that for years.

They still eat meals together with my younger sisters. My dad does most of the housework since he's semi-retired and my mom resents him for it since she's 9 years younger and still has to work.

My mother is an alcoholic but even when she isn't drinking she can be truly mean. The last three Sundays I've been over there she's found a reason to start a fight with me. Not just a minor fight but she starts yelling at me, slamming doors and generally just makes me cry.

Then she has the nerve to ask my younger sisters why I haven't been spending time with her lately, and tells them I'm on my dad's SIDE (like we're children and have to choose sides).

The difference is that my dad almost never talks about the divorce. When he talks about my mother, it's like he feels sorry for her. He reminds us that she loves us and he never says anything about her unless she is being particularly mean.

My dad is not by any means perfect. He can be controlling and he has a short temper. You can tell his way of "fighting" against my mom is by being the calm parent. I don't see anything wrong with that.

The reason I don't like hanging out with my mom lately is because all she talks about is how bad of a person my dad is. Or she'll talk about some aspect of the divorce, throwing it out there like it's such an improvement in her life.

She sorted the Christmas ornaments into "her" pile and "his" pile, organized hers neatly in special boxes and left his in a jumbled pile. Then she felt the need to show off how much bigger her pile was. She acts like a child.

I think my mother is pushing me away because she knows if it came down to it, I would hang out with my dad more then her. She's hard to deal with and I'm so sick of hearing about how bad of a person my dad is.

I'm sick of hearing her plans for divorce, I'm sick of hearing about how my dad plans to screw her in the divorce proceedings (he doesn't want to hire lawyers, he wants to just settle it - "you take your things, I take mine". She has a divorce lawyer and it seems like she WANTS things to get nasty. She wants him to be miserable). I'm sick of hearing about SIDES and whose SIDE we're on. I'm sick of being around her.

If that means I've chosen my dad's side, well so be it.

Waiting for Spring

2009-01-25T23:40:00.003-07:00

"It can only get better" they say tritely
"Next year will be different"
"Things have to start looking up for you"

Every year I go through these bouts. These periods where my mind can't stop thinking negatively. I want to curl in a ball on my couch and never leave the house. I don't eat all day or I eat everything I can grab. I feel like crying but my eyes are selfish and hold the tears to themselves.

I wear pyjamas from the moment I walk in the door and find excuses not to answer my phone. I watch TV but don't really see anything. I can't sleep so I try reading, I try sleeping pills, I try a bath. I try tea, I try writing, I try laying in bed thinking of nothing and everything. I try imagining somewhere hot, and listening to waves on a beach.

I am awake but my mind is confused. How did I end up here? Like this? Lonely, sad, unable to express myself and not understanding what it is that has brought me down so low. Some nights I might go have a drink at my very own Cheers with friends but this is a temporary distraction.

I wander around the museum for hours, wishing I could disappear into the paintings, into the sculptures and be a part of history instead of making my own. I wander around the library even longer - until the librarian announces the imminent closing - picking up books and flipping through the pages.

I read comedic memoirs which remind me all too well how mine would suffer in comparison. I read serious books about war and crimes against humanity. They say misery loves company. I read books about love, about pain, about reality. Sometimes I read a book so densely and intricately worded I have to reread paragraphs three times just to understand what is happening. These are my favorite of all, they take up the most time.

Once the snow melts, once the grass returns, once the sun again has the starring role and not just a cameo, I'll be okay. But for now, for now I'll sit waiting.

Do Not Pass Go

2009-01-15T18:06:00.005-07:00

PartyGirl (on phone): "Oh, so the police called me yesterday looking for your number..."

Alice racks her brain trying to think of any possible reason the cops would call her. She has been so broke lately she's considered robbing a bank and is now afraid that they have developed a new mind reading technology designed to get criminals before they strike

PartyGirl: "Apparently we're being subpoenaed"

Turns out I'm not going to jail after all, which is good because I'm pretty sure orange is not my color; it makes my skin look all pale and blotchy.

Here's the story - wait, am I allowed to tell this or because there's an ongoing case is it illegal for me to talk about? Screw it, I'm telling it anyway.

One night PartyGirl and I were driving home after a party at our friends house. We were stopped at a light and all of sudden there's a jolt, crash - and we're hit from behind. The guy in the SUV behind us signalled for us to pull over (it's a pretty major intersection) so we pulled off into this parking lot behind a building.

The guy gets out of his car and literally straggered over. PartyGirl cracked her window and asked him for his registration. The guy is acting all weird and confused. He was bald, short and pudgy and very Spanish looking. He was wearing a yellow jacket but no shirt underneath. We kept looking at each other like "seriously, is this guy for real?"

He pulls out a bag of cocaine and tries to give it to us while slurring and asking what we want from him. I think he thought we had pulled over to do a drug deal.

Ya, actually, we just want your registration info dude.

So I proceed to call the police. The guy started asking PartyGirl who I was talking to, she told him it was her dad on the line. Well apparently he didn't believe her because he took off running. He left his car in the parking lot and just ran.

When the cops showed up (three cars - it must have been a slow night) they first searched his car (found nothing there) and had us fill out reports. One of the cops knew PartyGirl from a class they'd both taken in college so we were all just kind of joking around about that while the cops made fun of how terrible my writing is (it looks like a boys writing, really).

Since we'd already described him to the cops, suddenly one of them was like: "wait...is that him??" This moron came back, strolling by super casually. Yes, the idiot who ran into us.

The cops chased him down and tackled him to the ground. After they carted him away we headed home. This happened months ago, I'd completely forgotten about it but apparently I have to go to court and tell my version of what happened.

Know what I'm actually kind of excited about? I get to wear a power suit and killer heels.

PS - Alice for President

2009-01-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was nominated for a 20-something blogger award:

Best Up-and-Coming Blog (Started in 2008)

Which is actually kind of exciting to me, so if you are a member of the 20sb network and feel like voting go here, even if you don't vote for me

Trust me, there's a lot of talent on them there ballots!

I Should Have Taken The Brandy

2009-01-14T00:23:00.003-07:00

This whole past month I just haven't been feeling creative or funny or even very interesting, therefore my blog has suffered - so for that, I apologize. When it becomes cold and dreary I sort of shut down and just lay around being lazy when I'm not at work. I promise eventually I'll be feeling back up to par and stop being so lame.

Tonight, I had an interesting night at work. There's these guys who are from England staying in the hotel that is adjacent to our restaurant. They've been coming in for the last few weeks for a few beers after they're done work. They are all from the British Air Force and there are about 25 of them.

Tonight one of them asked me to go for a drink with him on Thursday. I'm going to go even though it seems a bit pointless since they'll be leaving soon and heading back to England, but either way, it'll be fun I'm sure.

To update my dating situations right now; I saw Bro again over Christmas and it was really nice. He brought me a Christmas CD which was sweet, we watched a movie and had some drinks. It was a lot of fun and I really feel comfortable around him. He's gone up North again until February though. I haven't spoken to ADD since Christmas because frankly he's far too ADD for me. I'm hyper as it is, I don't need someone three times as energetic as myself around!

As for the Russian, that's another story entirely (which has to do with the piano bar and the sketchiness there) but I'll save that for another day.

On my way home from work I started coughing in my cab. As he dropped me off the cab driver was telling me that if I have some Brandy with hot water, I'll sleep through the night. I laughed and said that I didn't have any Brandy at my house to which he replied:

"You want Brandy? I go get Brandy! I bring to you right now the Brandy!"

Erm, no thanks but definitely E for effort, and a bigger tip...

A Few More Blondie-isms

2009-01-11T02:24:00.005-07:00

A bartender and I were talking about something being blasphemous, completely joking around. He then said something along the lines of: "No, what's blasphemous is saying that a zombie who rises from the dead around Easter time is unbelievable."

Blondie looks at us and asks: "Who, the Easter Bunny?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While we were doing our cash-outs at work;
Blondie turns to me and says: "How do you spell owe?"
Alice: "Sorry? Like the letter O?"
Blondie: "No, like I'm trying to write I.O.U...oh....never mind"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blondie: "I don't think blondes are dumb, I think it's all the brown-headed people who dye their hair that make blondes look dumb"
Alice: "You mean brunettes?"

(The irony? Blondie is a natural brunette)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Year of the Rat - Good Riddance

2009-01-01T12:04:00.016-07:00

Wow, what a vacation I just took. I haven't written anything since before Christmas. I've been busy working and hanging out with the family and all the other poor excuses I can think of (Translation: I'm lazy). Prepare yourself, this ones a doozy.

So one of my friends roommates had a theory for me on why my year was so terrible. See I was born in the Year of the Rat and apparently in Chinese culture, whenever "your" year roles around it's bad luck and you'll have a bad year. Guess what year it was last year? Year of the Rat.

Either way, I had a shitty year (other then my fabulous vacations) so any way to explain it works for me. Right, and I saw someone else do this somewhere and it looked like a good idea, so here I go; it's the year-long summary.

January

January 6th last year I came home after working both jobs to find my house entirely flooded. I couldn't turn on the lights because I could be electrocuted from the water, so I had to search through the sopping wet house for clothes to wear to The Office the next day with a flashlight, while shivering my ass off because the furnace broke due to aforementioned water. Run-on sentences a large part of my life, apparently, at this time. Moved back with the parentals while damage was being fixed.

February

I actually have a Valentines date for the first time since I broke up with my ex 3 years ago. This guy I dated in HS (it's a cycle I tell you) and I went for dinner and it was nice but slightly awkward. I had way more fun having a single girls hot-tub party last year. Decide V-day is way overrated and will never worry about it again.

March
Eleven of us jet-set off to Cuba. It was the first tropical vacation I'd ever been on (I highly doubt England or Scotland count as tropical although they are lovely)

I also got a promotion at The Office this month. Dizzy and her adorable baby also came for a visit: one good month out of three so far.

April

My birthday. I went for dinner with Frenchie and PA. There were supposed to be a lot more people but there was a freakin blizzard so everyone was delayed etc. so planned to meet us afterward. Luckily, about 25 people showed up at the lounge later so I didn't feel like a complete moron.

Pseudo and I pretty much ended things this month, although the off and on thing continues.

May

I was FINALLY able to move back home after renovations to my house were completed. This month consisted mostly of me drinking away any sorrows.

There was the Lilac Festival - it rained the whole day but we still got to watch shirtless men play beach volleyball, there was the night of What Were We Thinking, there was the sex-toy party I had after which we all went out absolutely drunkity-drunk and I ran into O/N for the first time since however many years ago.

Pseudo and I ended things after he ran into me with O/N and I refused to leave O/N to go to Pseudo's. He called me the next day apologizing and we decided we'd be better as friends.

June

I started my blog this month, after searching something on the internet and coming across a blog about a working girl. I ended up reading the whole thing and thought - hey, why not. So the rest of my year will be summed up in pictures:

July: Went house-boating with 9 great ladies and 3 awesome guys. O/N had a boat with all his buddies - much hilarity ensued:

August: Blondie and I with the John Deere rep (his name was John) in PEI:

September: Right after I worked my ass off planning the Corporate golf tournament...this happened.

Cue nervous breakdown beginning.

October: Went to visit my fantastic sister Dizzy, her hubby and their adorable baby. I drove there with Mum and we did a little BC coast tour.

November:
Found out the parents are (finally) getting a divorce. This makes things slightly more awkward as they do still live together.

December Our last Christmas together as a family. Mom tried to upstage Dad, although we all agreed on a low budget this year. Instead we got things like laptops and iTouch's from Mom and the agreed upon amount from Dad. How this makes sense, I don't know.

Next Christmas, Alice is going on vacation.

Baking FAIL

2008-12-23T17:42:00.003-07:00

I'm generally a good cook. I don't necessarily need a recipe and if I see something on TV or in a restaurant I can imitate it pretty well. However, baking isn't my forte - unless it comes from a box or has very precise instructions.

For example, I once tried to make a meringue of sorts and was busily beating my egg whites to a frothy texture. The recipe said to use cream of tartar to "stabilize the egg" and give it a better, firmer texture (that's what she said). I didn't have any so I thought "cream of tartar, tartar sauce; po-tay-to po-tah-to".

FAIL

The other day I saw a recipe for homemade macaroni and cheese. I was in the mood for something warm and comforting - like grilled cheese and tomato soup or mom's meatloaf or dad's chili. I went down to the store and bought all the required ingredients that I didn't already (think) I had at home.

The recipe for the sauce is basically melted butter, add flour and brown it, throw some evaporated milk, a ton of sharp cheddar, swiss etc., some mustard powder, salt and nutmeg. Sounds delicious, no? So here I am slaving away (not caring that the recipe apparently feeds an army).

The sauce tasted awesome, but there was something off about it that I just couldn't put my finger on. I threw the pasta in, mixed it all up and put it in the oven after topping it with some homemade bread crumbs (parmesan, crumbled bread and butter).

After it was done baking I helped myself to a bowl, trying to think of what the ingredient was that tasted a bit strange. Suddenly I realized that I had mixed up my container of flour for my container of...icing sugar.

GIANT FAIL

Alice = Impractical

2008-12-19T13:09:00.005-07:00

So it's been a long few weeks in Average-Land. Working two jobs isn't the most fun thing ever, especially when one of them practically requires you to be drunk. Hence the dancing and stairwell kissing - for anyone who was wondering, I did several shots with my boss that night as well. The Piano-bar is like Coyote Ugly but without all the crowds and dancing and fire breathing.

Actually, there is a fire-breather employed with us, but he doesn't start until next week so ya.

Doesn't count.

It would be fun and awesome except for the fact that after working until 4 am I have to wake up and head to my other job in the morning. Oh and the fact that I'm not eighteen anymore so my body is all "what the shit are you doing to me?" and my wallet is all "hey remember those bills you still haven't paid?". See, I'm too busy working at making money so I don't have time to get to the bank to deposit that money so I can pay those bills.

It's a Catch-22

Speaking of wallets, have you ever lost something and completely freaked out only to realize that you actually had it the whole time? No? Me neither...

Ya, except yesterday when I got done work and went to put my tips in my wallet only to realize my wallet was not there. I had checked my wallet that morning to see how much money I had left over from the night before ($100 - pretty good) so I knew I hadn't left it somewhere random.

I proceeded to tear apart the staff room, cry my eyes out, ask "who would do something like this a WEEK before Christmas??" and say things like: "I just don't understand! I get along with everyone here, who would do this to me?"

After my manager bought me a glass of wine and some lunch, I headed home only to see my wallet sitting on my bed. Right where I left it after I checked my balance.

Whoops.

Break Time

2008-12-18T10:16:00.002-07:00

Okay, I need a breather after that week. Remember me bitching about not meeting men? Remember when I used to talk about other stuff too? Seriously when did this turn into a dating blog?

So I burnt my arm the other day at work and I very much wish I could upload pictures from my phone to this here blog but I can't figure it out for the life of me. My camera is still in the shop (seriously, what the hell is taking them so long). Instead I'll tell you that it's 2 inches across and 1.5 inches down, bright red and blistery. I didn't go to a doctor because I am a dumbass.

I think bright red is good - doesn't that mean it's healing? Any help anyone? I would Google it but we all know that turns into thinking you're going to die no matter the severity of the initial problem. I'm Polysporin-ing (it's a word) this SOB all week.

Ya, well enjoy this hungover rambling, I'm sure I'll come right home from work and delete it.

Kthxbai !!

The Russians

2008-12-14T22:05:00.004-07:00

Remember how I was just saying I meet guys by running into exes? Here's a classic example, and it happened on Saturday night.

At the piano bar I've started working at, there's a group of Russians who come in to drink almost every night I've worked so far. They're pretty nice guys but a little intimidating. The girls they're with are always super nice, they all have thick accents and their English is rusty.

The first night they came in they were drinking until after 3 am (bars here close at 2 am). I brought them their bill and the one guy (who never smiles) says in his thick accent:

"We are not done drinking"

Dude, it's 3 am. I'm done serving.

They managed to talk the owner into staying and drinking, after they paid me their bill. Basically, it seems like they have a lot of clout in that place, if you know what I mean. Since that night though they've been fairly nice to me.

So Saturday night, who walks in but the Russians. They want Cognac, which we don't have so what does my boss do? Go to the liquor store, buy two bottles and put them on their table. So I bring over some shot glasses and who has joined them but my ex-boyfriend from high school.

This is an ex who I was with for a relatively long time considering it was high school, Dizzy you may remember the Russian?

The only reason we broke up was because my "friend" (she's another story entirely) liked him from the beginning and after we'd been together almost 8 months she told me he'd cheated on me. Then she told him I cheated on him with one of his friends.

At that point, none of it was true and neither of us knew she had lied to both of us. So in true high school fashion, he was hurt and really did cheat on me, with his ex.

We didn't talk until we accidentally ran into each other at a Valentines Day party (great, right?) he brought me into a room and told me I broke his heart. I laughed so I wouldn't cry and told him he was one to talk. I haven't seen him since. That was 7 years ago now.

He was so surprised, he immediately jumped up to give me a hug and a shot of Cognac. From then, every time I went over it was shots all around. He came outside for a cigarette with me and apologized for hurting me. He asked about my family and remembered what I had gotten for him for Christmas one year. He asked how his English was (way better then I remember although I kind of like the sexy accent).

Later in the night, due to about half a bottle of Cognac ingested by myself, I was getting to be pretty drunk. I walk over to the table and the Russian Ex says: "my friends bet me $20 I can't get you to dance with me. They don't believe me we dated". So of course, we danced while reminiscing. When we walked back over to the table there was a $20 bill with two shots resting on top.

So as if I don't have enough men to deal with right now, what with ADD calling me twice a day and Bro back in town, the Russian-ex got my phone number and wants to go for coffee this week.

And I may or may not have kissed him in the stairwell that night.

Stranded in a Snowstorm

2008-12-12T20:03:00.009-07:00

I haven't been on a date in a LONG time - either I run into ex's or guys I dated in HS or I meet my friends friends, that's how I meet guys. This week all of a sudden I have 3 dates with two different guys (yes, one of them is Bro - and in answer to details he's 6'4" tall, has nice arms, brown eyes, blondish brown hair and he's a great kisser).

These are real actual dates. Not sure where this is coming from all of a sudden, but I'm not complaining.

I went on a date Wednesday night with this guy, (I'll call him ADD because he talks - a LOT). We had arranged to meet a week before (this was planned even before I met Bro) . See, I finally took the plunge and met a guy off that stupid dating website and you know what? He was really nice and very funny. It wasn't awkward at all and turned out we knew some of the same people.

He talked so much though and was really random with his attention span, I seriously think that boy needs some Riddlin. He was really funny, maybe because of the randomness?

I went out with him again, and his friend, last night. ADD realized he lost his wallet and started freaking out that he needed to cancel his credit cards ASAP (understandable) but was saying he can only do it from his home number or something because of the high limits on his cards, it's a protected account or something. I didn't really get it but he ended up leaving in a panic.

His friend was drinking so obviously couldn't drive but he lived across the street from where we were so he walked there and I was left stranded, I knew everyone at the bar so it wasn't a huge deal but I was still a bit pissed off.

ADD texted me half an hour later apologizing and I fully understand the freak-out about your wallet thing but at the same time, we had a blizzard here yesterday. It was absolutely impossible to get a cab. I tried for three hours (until 4 am); finally a girl from work drove me home.

I spoke with him today, he still hasn't found his wallet but he thinks it's in his friends car. He feels like an asshole for leaving me there but there were a bunch of people I knew there so it wasn't that bad I guess. Still, I can't decide if I want to even give him another chance?

Then there's Bro, who gets back to town tomorrow and I'm so excited to see him again. He's been texting me all week and called me Thursday afternoon just to say hi...we'll see how that one goes...

Weekend Fun, Yet Again

2008-12-08T22:49:00.007-07:00

So we all know how much I love random weird stupid nights out, right? Last weekend I had another. See, I've been sick and also working two jobs. I got a second job at a piano bar two nights a week for some extra cash flow. So lately I haven't really been out very often.

Friday night I went out with Party-Girl (karaoke naturally) and to this rocker bar on the Red Mile afterward. It was an awesome night but relatively tame for the two of us. We ended up back at her place, and crashed shortly after. The next day we went shopping for ugly sweaters for our other friends Ugly Christmas Sweater party.

Oddly enough I had two ugly sweater parties to attend that weekend. The one I found isn't bad though, long and brown with that tiny diamond print, it's a V-neck. I would even probably wear it again. The selection for ugly was limited, sadly.

I worked Saturday night and was planning on heading to the party as soon as I was done. One of my tables bought me a glass of wine so after I finished work, I sat down at the bar to drink it.

These two guys, as soon as I walked in the bar, started talking to me and bought us three tequila shots. I was laughing with them because they were just SO random and funny but we went outside for a cigarette and it turned out I knew the one guy's sister, very well (I used to work for her for a year) so I'll call him Bro.

They invited me out with them, it was the weirdest thing - we all got along as if we'd met years ago and been friends forever. Joking around, making fun of each other, it was great. I told them about the sweater party and they basically said "Let's go!" first they wanted to stop off and change.

Well the sweater party never happened for us. His sister was home so we were all doing shots of tequila, playing "strip poker" (in which the girls always had clothing on, while the guys were in their tighty whities - the game may or may not have been rigged) . Next, the three of us (minus his sister) headed out to the bar.

The first bar we went to, Bro's friend, I'll call him RedBull (RB) got in a fight outside because he lent his jacket to these two girls. Their boyfriends showed up and didn't like that very much. needless to say we were out of there pretty quickly.

Next we headed to this dance place that has a rave room downstairs and Top 40 and oldies upstairs. It was actually pretty fun but the best was those two guys. They were making me laugh the entire time. I don't even remember what we were laughing about but I do know my stomach hurt the next day.

After that bar, we headed back to Bro's house and all of us passed out on various couches within the hour.

When I woke up RedBull was gone, and it was snowing like crazy outside. Bro made the two of us breakfast (well, BBQ chicken and cheese & crackers - the breakfast of champions). We sat around watching TV and talking for a few hours until RB came back to dissect the nights events, apologize for the fight and rehash the finer points. Bro's sister also got a kick out of the events.

Later that afternoon, Bro drove me from way in the Northwest of the city all the way to the very, very South in the blizzard style snow so that I could go to my other friends Ugly Sweater Party. After meeting a few of my friends, sticking around for a drink and making fun of everyone's sweaters, he drove me back up to my place and dropped me off.

But not before giving me a fabulous goodnight kiss.

Where to Meet Men (Part 2)

2008-12-02T23:49:00.003-07:00

So last time I wrote about where to meet men, lots of you had some great ideas, therefore I've decided to do Part Two. Again, I haven't actually tried any of these, (that's a lie) nor did any of my last ideas pan out, but hey, what the hell right?

1. On a Blog

- Pros:
Any guy you meet on your or someone else' blog can obviously read
He's gotta have a sense of humor to be a blogger
He'll already know how you think and all your "secret" thoughts

- Cons
He'll most likely live hundreds of miles away at the very least
You can't hide anything from him

2. At the Bar

- Pros
He'll probably be just as drunk as you (thereby eliminating any embarrassing things you do)
He obviously likes to party and have a good time
You'll definitely get some action

- Cons
[see Pros]

3. Chamber of Commerce

- Pros
Either owns his own business or is high enough up in his company that he makes important decisions
You get to go to all sorts of fun! networking events

- Cons
Distinct possibility of being involved in some sort of tie choking accident
He's probably old enough to be your father

4. Culinary School

- Pros
Can obviously whip up an awesome meal
Has the possibility of being on his own show (famous by association y'all)
Will forever be entertaining guests with endless deliciousness

- Cons
Probably has dark brooding temper and moments of sheer rage
May be so tired from cooking all day he won't want to cook you food
Might earn less then the homeless man down the street

Alright, I'm off to test these theories out once again (for the good of all womankind). I'll be sure to let you know how it goes

Alice's Top Ten Excuses

2008-11-30T13:21:00.005-07:00

Apparently Eden is giving a prize to the blogger with the best ~~lie~~ excuse for why they've missed a day (or twelve) in the NaBloPoMo writing challenge. Without further ado, here is:

Alice's Top Ten Excuses
(or: Why She Didn't Post 30 Times)

10. She locked herself out of her house for the weekend and stayed at a friends who is apparently against technology and doesn't own a computer

9. Momma's gotta pay the bills and with this economic crisis that could mean up to fourteen hours a day on that street corner

8. A pack of wild ex-suburban animals were on the loose and chased her into a tree where she was forced to exist solely off fruit and bark for days

7. Had to decide if her shoe racks looked better organized by color or by style. Organized and reorganized until satisfied with overall appearance of said racks

6. Hills Marathon. Need I say more?

5. Every package of chicken noodle soup in the house suddenly looked extremely appealing. She tested the theory by cooking and eating every last one

4. Her special friend got home from a business trip and they had some "special business" to take care of

3. Decided it was time to do laundry after realizing she had been sleeping three feet over from where her bed actually stands

2. She set half the clocks in her house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour for Daylight Savings and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday. She was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house. Accordingly, her post was too late, or early.

1. Her cat ate her mouse

Sicky

2008-11-29T13:21:00.004-07:00

I've been a very bad blogger this week, I know. The truth is, I've been really sick (loving the strep throat feeling in my throat) and still going to work because otherwise I can't afford rent. Damn this not-on-salary job. Therefore, when I get home I am entirely too exhausted to be creative.

Chicken noodle soup has never tasted so good my friends.

Here's a roundup of the latest goings-on in Average-Land:

Blondie got a boyfriend - her and one of the BPBBs hooked up and are now dating "exclusively" though I've yet to see her wearing his letter jacket. He's an awesome guy but he gets really jealous and I'm not liking that aspect of it. For example, after work there's a little pub we all hang out at for a drink to de-stress. Now her boy, Hyper, started a new job recently and has been training and stuff for it so he isn't out partying as much as he was a month or two ago.

When she calls him from this pub he acts mad that she's out. He knows everyone we work with so he should know there's no worries there but anyway, he even made her cry the other day because he said she obviously still wanted to go out partying all the time and didn't want a boyfriend.

We literally go to this pub for one or two drinks almost every night after work. No one is swinging from chandeliers, no one is having sex on the pool tables - it's pretty tame. It's relaxing, we hang out, everyone heads home.

We'll see how this works out. Maybe I kinda feel that way too because I hardly see her anymore. We work opposite schedules now (which is strange) and when she has a night off, she's usually with Hyper. Oh well, the honeymoon phase, right?

Also, I did it, I took the plunge and dyed my hair brown. My hairdresser was very excited, because it's different for me to have normal hair. She said "I love how you're getting so adventurous!" to which I laughed and replied: "funny that for me brunette is adventurous. Never mind all the shades of red, blonde and combinations I've had".

It's called Mediterranean or something and I think I like it. Not sure yet, but as soon as I have a picture (camera still not back from the shop, wtf?) I'll post it. It's something different anyway, right?

Alright, back to the couch to load up on soup and Vitamin C before heading off to work, at least I have tomorrow off

All Aboard the Sunshine Express

2008-11-21T07:42:00.002-07:00

Well that about wraps up emo-week in Average-Land, hope you enjoyed your stay! That's right kids, turn off that Moss Icon, put down the knife and crawl out of bed; we're back on the happy-train.

So since I've been having such great luck over on one dating site, I signed up for another. They emailed me about 6 times telling me I could have a free trial for the weekend (I guess I smell like desperation even through the internets). So I filled out the survey and jumped on in.

With the free trial I can review other peoples profiles but until I pay money I can't see their pictures. I can also start a "Guided Communication" with someone or answer questions that they've asked "potential matches".

So now, instead of being able to be judgmental and weed guys out based on if their picture is just their stomach taken by themselves in a mirror (WHY do guys feel like that's a good profile picture?) I have to actually go through the profile. And we all know how honest people are on those.

Why yes, in my spare time I enjoy dissecting Weber, or listening to Vivaldi while organizing my spice-rack alphabetically, maybe traveling around the world in a week and painting Dali-inspired masterpieces. Did I mention my love of children and small animals? Can I tell you how beautiful your eyes are?

Wait let me just grab my vom bucket.

So I've been filling out "communication surveys" for the last hour. It's actually kind of addicting in some sort of weird narcissistic way.

There does seem to be a lot more to go through when you pay to use a site but I can't wrap my head around paying a couple hundred bucks to get more "hey baby" emails. I'll just have to see how this free trial goes...

Sorry about all the snarky quotation marks. I can't seem to help myself.

2008-11-19T18:39:00.001-07:00

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Post Secrets

2008-11-18T14:06:00.004-07:00

In the darkened room I could feel his breath, so close it made me shiver. I was already cold enough. I had come in here looking for a sweater. I sat at the very edge of the bed. Naively waiting for him to find me a sweater. Instead he found me.

He had been trying to kiss me all night. I had been pushing him away. It's hard to push a man that is ten years older, and a good hundred pounds heavier then you but I tried. My boyfriend was at home. Studying.

I tried to tell my friends I didn't want to come here, didn't care about impressing the older guys. I had snuck out, my parents don't know where I was or that I was even gone. We had gone to the bar, my friend had run into these guys her sister knew and now here we were at their house.

My friends conveniently disappeared with two guys, leaving me with the ex-bouncer. We played pool, I tried to be standoffish. I tried to tell him about my boyfriend. He didn't care, he thought it was all a game.

Now here I am in his room. I feebly ask if he's found me a sweater. The lights go out. I remember the bay window, the wooden slats letting in the faintest light. I remember wondering how it had ended up like this. I stood up. I tried to walk away.

He was too fast, he was too strong. I was nothing against him. Trying to pull my jeans up, trying to fend him off, tears rolling down my face but I couldn't bring myself to yell, to scream and hit him. He could have killed me with one hand.

Finally a knock at the door. I grabbed my clothes and wiped my eyes. I calmly went to the living room. I didn't say a word. I hated him. I hated them. I hated myself.

I was seventeen years old.

Reading is Sexy

2008-11-17T23:32:00.004-07:00

I got tagged in a meme by the wonderful PJ over at It is What it is, Sometimes and since November seems to ironically be "The Month of No Thoughts" I hereby present to you: Reading is Sexy

Rules: Pass it on to five other bloggers, and tell them to open the nearest book to page 46. Write out the fifth sentence on that page, and also the next two to five sentences. The closest book, not the coolest, or the one you think will sound the best. THE CLOSEST.

Luckily I keep a hefty novel next to my computer at all times*

"I tell you what," I said. "Do you give him all the books"
"Yes, all of them."
"As my own gift?"
"Yes, as your own gift?"
"As my gift alone?"
"Yes, as your gift alone."
Surely I had spoken clearly enough, yet the old man seemed hardly to understand me.

From Fyodor Dostoevsky's Poor Folk

So I'm going to pass this on to:

Attached Mama
Lydia
Tova Darling
Essentially Me
Carmen

*since being nominated

More FAILures

2008-11-16T23:59:00.002-07:00

I locked myself out of my house this weekend. The door handle has a lock on it and if you hit it the wrong way it locks. Neither my landlord nor I have a key to this particular lock, I only use my deadbolt.

Luckily she can get to the back door from inside her place.

Unluckily she was out of town for the weekend.

FAIL

Needless to say, I had an interesting day Saturday killing time before heading to a friends birthday that night. I ate lunch at one restaurant, got coffee and sat for two hours, ate supper at a different restaurant, went downtown and had a few drinks with some friends who happened to be at the pub and finally hopped the train down to my friends house.

My friend who does not have a computer at home. There went my NaBloPoMo dreams.

FAIL

I stayed at her house last night and we all went for brunch this morning. We declared today as "slit-your-wrist Sunday" because every single song on the radio was emo-inspired. That and we were hung over from the piss water "champagne" graciously provided to us by the bar. The bar that is called Snatch.

They may as well just call the bar Vagina and stop with the clever euphemisms.

This is the type of place that when you're standing in line to use the ATM, some guy starts talking to you and when you reply, he says (verbatim) "sorry I uh...wasn't listening. I got distracted," while staring at your boobs. "So uh, can I buy you a drink?"

Oh gosh, really? So I can perpetuate every guys ideas of girls at bars? You know why don't I just take my dress off right now?

Ya, no thanks, I'll pass.

Pickup line FAIL

Anyway, this morning at brunch I ordered a Bailey's and coffee (a little hair of the dog). Blondie turns to the waitress and says:

"Ummm, I'll get a Baileys and coffee too...but can you hold the Baileys?"

Drivers Ed

2008-11-14T15:19:00.006-07:00

I feel like today is going to be the bane of my NaNoWriMo days. I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I guess I'll settle for an entertaining little story about me learning to drive.

In Calgary you can get your learners at 14 years old. I decided I didn't care about driving so I didn't take lessons or anything. I didn't even have my learners until I was 16 or maybe even 17. Finally in grade twelve I decided I should probably get a license. My parents enrolled me in AMA Drivers Ed and off I went to the classroom sessions.

Everything was all fine and good, I made a new friend from California who only ate dried seaweed and sesame seed crackers (true). I forget her name but we had an awesome time drawing posters and diagrams in class.

Then it was time to start the car training. The doorbell rings and I'm expecting this old guy with a mullet or something. Turns out it's this young, really cute guy. My dad called him the Backstreet Boy, as in:

"When's the Backstreet Boy coming for your lessons?"

"What can the Backstreet Boy possibly know about driving? He's barely 18 himself"

Turns out he was 19. His dad was high up in AMA and therefore he got the job (nepotism anyone?) I didn't mind, I thought he was cute. Plus he let me drink coffee in my training. Apparently you aren't supposed to do anything else but drive...boring!

Mostly my lessons were good, he was really random with the driving - for instance one day he said he forgot something at home so we drove to his place to grab whatever it was (I'll never know).

One day as we were just starting our lesson for the day, he had picked me up at school and I was turning left out of the parking lot.

** BAM **

Yup, I hit another car. A minivan to be exact, with a family of Chinese people who spoke absolutely no English whatsoever.

The police were called, the witnesses (my whole school - awesome) gave statements and the damage was eventually tallied.

$8,000 worth of damages to the Driver's Ed car and the van, one unsafe left turn ticket and 2 demerit points later...well seeing as how I had no license to put the points on and no insurance to charge the damage to, AMA had to pay the cost of the whole incident - ticket and everything. This is the only documented accident in all of AMA history for a Drivers Ed course.

I've been in one accident that was my fault in my life and apparently since the Backstreet Boy had his own brake it was technically his fault.

He was fired. I got my license three weeks later.

Rush Hour

2008-11-13T17:18:00.003-07:00

First of all why the hell is it called Rush Hour when there are so many damn cars that you can't move at a snails pace, let alone rush?

I got off work and decided taking a stupid cab home was a good idea since it's cold and I'm lazy. Normally a cab costs me $10 including a $2 tip, from anywhere downtown. I take cabs maybe 3 times a week - if I work late, if I go out or if I'm really lazy.

In my mind this is equivalent to owning a car, probably even a lot cheaper. Once you factor in gas, insurance and the price of parking downtown Calgary ($475 a month if you're lucky or $20-$30 a day in most parkades) I'm actually saving money.

I haven't taken a cab during rush hour before and now I know why:

Please note the road closure, buses, pedestrians and fucking cranes in the detour we had to take and the extra $7 not even including tip yet that I had to fork over today.

Okay so it's not a large amount of money but it's almost twice what I normally pay and it took an extra 20 minutes to get home! For three blocks detour! When it normally takes 5 minutes and you're sitting in a cab almost fifteen minutes later, three blocks from your departure point, I can tell you, you are kicking your own ass for being so stupid.

I think I'd rip my hair out if I lived in LA.

Or Not

2008-11-12T20:57:00.004-07:00

So on second thought posting pictures of other people is risky to the max when you don't want to become non-anon. Even if they are headless and shirtless someone might recognize them and be all like "Hey I saw you on Alice's Blog!?" and they'll be all like "What blog?" and then it'll go down the shitter from there.

I'm supposed to go out for some beverages tonight and I can't decide if I'm too lazy. I just told my friend I would come meet her though, like 4 seconds ago, so my decision is made I guess.

Random Convo Change (RCC): I got this package in the mail from Lula Dahl

These slippers are so amazingly adorable. They fit perfectly and I love them so thanks a million! Check her stuff out, I want to get an apron for my niece - seriously cute stuff.

Okay, off to drink away my sorrows...this quarter-life crisis shit is tough

My Memory Eludes Me

2008-11-11T23:41:00.005-07:00

Last weekend Blondie and I headed to Hiker's place for dinner and wine. This seems to be a usual occurrence lately. For some reason I decided to drink white wine (probably because someone had left it in my fridge the week before and I was too lazy to walk to the liquor store for something else).

We ended up drinking three bottles between the three of us as well as a bottle (or two) of Smirnoff Mojitos. This is when we decided heading to the lounge where our old manager works would be a great idea. Blondie used to work at this particular place and as frequent visitors we know half the staff. I had been to a staff party in the summer and met a bouncer, we'll call him B, who was charming and sweet in that really shy way and as a bouncer he has great arms. I'm a total sucker for nice arms.

Not sure what's with me and the shy guys lately (speaking of which, Shy is back up North on the rigs so I won't be seeing him for a while) but anyway, we chatted a bit at this hot tub party and that was it. He added me on Facebook afterward and sent me an email which I never replied to because I was working two jobs and was a stressed out basket-case.

Maybe it was the booze or because I'm such a dork, but I wore my wig out. It is pretty realistic (which it should be - it was expensive!) so I wasn't really worried about people knowing it was fake. Sure enough I got a few "Wow! Great hair!" comments from some of the staff.

So we're sitting at a table when this really cute guy walks up to me and says: "Hey Alice! Long time no see, how are you?" and I'm basically stunned that he recognized me; in my wig, with different friends, in winter(ish) clothing when I had met him before for literally half an hour, four months ago.

Well, B wanted to chat so we went outside for a cigarette (me) and conversation (him) while I tried to apologize for being drunk as I stepped on his toes. Classy broad, party of one? Your table is ready.

Anyway I vaguely remember setting a date to go for coffee. Sure enough today he messaged me on Facebook asking how the rest of my night was. Thank god he didn't see how the rest of my night was because it involved me lighting a cigarette in the bar in one of those long beatnik cigarette holders and getting told off by a bouncer, singing a song to Blondie which she is still making fun of me for and sloppily eating Thai Tai at the end of the night.

Come to think of it, maybe a guy with a great memory isn't such a good thing? I guess I'll find out, if only I could remember when I'm supposed to meet him for coffee.

The Coffee Shop

2008-11-10T20:42:00.003-07:00

I take a sip of my cinnamon flavored latte. The sickly sweetness of the syrup offset by the rich bitterness of the dark espresso. Luckily my favorite chair, by the fireplace, is vacant. The ultra-suede still slightly imprinted with the shape of it's last occupant. As I remove my gloves and toss my jacket carelessly across one of the arms, I catch the eye of one of the girls at the next table over. She gives me the quick smile of one stranger acknowledging another and continues chatting with her friend.

I tuck my feet up under myself and open my book. The guy beside me is engrossed in a copy of Orwell's 1984. He casually sips his Styrofoam-encased coffee while idly turning a page. With a gust of cold air the door opens and a young girl joins him at his table. Her enthusiasm is a deep contrast to his relaxed demeanor. She tells him of her band practice for church, her plans for her next years education including a semester abroad and maybe a mission in the summer, if she can find an internship first, to pay for all the incidentals. Her speech is peppered with interjections (such as "like"), making it hard to concentrate on the meaning of her sentences.

I smile and think of a recent conversation with a good friend, worrying about her vocabulary. "I need to work on my vernacular," she laughed, "I mean, I still say "like" and I'm doing my masters in Sociology. Maybe I should enroll in English 0130."

There's a man typing away on his laptop, barely audible over the coffee house music, a pacifying blend of piano chords and string instruments. His glasses are neatly folded and placed on a book beside him. Every so often he gets up for a cigarette, for a refill, for a bathroom break. The intensity with which he is concentrating on his screen reminds me of my boss filling his financial reports and I imagine this man is doing the same.

A girl heaves into a chair across the room, sighing loudly as she places her text book down. I recognize her as the girl who made my latte. She works here a few days a week while she's in University studying chemistry, economics or perhaps philosophy. The free coffee and quiet place to study almost make up for the endless parade of odd people she deals with on a daily basis.

I pull my gloves and jacket on, in preparation for the chill that awaits me outside. It's not yet snowing though there's the feeling of snow in the air. The quiet, crisp cold and lack of clouds almost guarantee the morning will bring the brightness of a new snow. I adjust my jacket and step outside, the soft chords following me as I make my way up the street, back home.

My New Show

2008-11-09T21:57:00.002-07:00

After seeing previews for both CSI:Miami and CSI:New York and also CSI:Your House oh and can't forget the newest member: NCSI, I decided that I'm also starting a show that deals with criminals, murderers, detectives with swagger and uber-smart yet still ultra sexy lab technicians.

Yup, it'll be a carbon copy

I'm calling it [SIC]

Random Thought

2008-11-08T18:26:00.002-07:00

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Why Blog?

2008-11-07T10:20:00.001-07:00

I was at The Restaurant today and realized I hadn't yet posted for the day which would equal a giant FAIL in the daily posting challenge.

Firstly thanks to everyone who commented yesterday. It actually makes me feel a hundred times better about everything. I can't believe I only recently discovered blogging, it's such a great outlet and it really is a way to get everything you're feeling out, have people non-judgmentally comment on it and relate to what you're saying. Thank you, I love you all!

I was thinking today about the reasons I started blogging. I've always liked writing but keeping a journal isn't really satisfactory. Don't get me wrong, I still have one, but it's more for the small things I think about, those times when you're having a quasi-emotional breakdown and need to just write and write even if later on it makes no sense.

I discovered how big blogs are when I was idly searching the internet for something to do with being an assistant (which I no longer am) and stumbled across this post. Before that I didn't really even realize that it was a whole huge community or that people read and commented like they do.

Obviously now I see that it's so much bigger then that, but that day in my office I literally sat and read from beginning to end. After clinking on links like crazy I realized that it was something I really wanted to try, and now I'm so glad I have!

I always wonder how everyone else got started...

Ups and Downs

2008-11-06T10:35:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I had the strangest day ever. I woke up around 8:30 am and after laying in bed for ten minutes debating getting out of bed or knocking back some more cold medicine, my phone rang.

It was my mother who was calling to discuss our dinner plans for the evening and also to inform me that she's filing for divorce from my dad. They've been married for 27 years. Now, we all have seen this coming for a long time.

Knowing somethings going to probably happen (for ten years) and it actually happening are different though. I actually wish they'd done it long ago so they could have both moved on by now. Word to the wise: there's no point staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your kids. They can tell that's what you're doing.

Anyway, I got off the phone and headed to work. I went to get breakfast at this little store and realized I didn't have my cash on me and my debit card is being a little bitch (it'll only work in ATMs) so I told the guy I'd be right back for my BLT Bagel and Latte.

I ran to the Restaurant to grab cash but when I headed back over to the breakfast place, the guy told me someone had already paid for it for me. I guess someone felt the need to up their Karma and chose me to do it for.

Whoever you are, thank-you! I really needed that.

Photographic Smorgasborg

2008-11-05T03:11:00.013-07:00

A picture says a thousand words so this post is worth like 8,000

The One In Which I'm Alice

2008-11-04T14:42:00.018-07:00

Okay folks, so trying to do both NaNoWriMo (writing 50,000 words in one month - as in: a novel) and also doing NaBloPoMo (one post per day for the entire month) is a fucking challenge. What the hell are these people thinking making both things in the same month?!

I started writing one story but then my characters started fighting, I got frustrated and ripped it up so I started again today and so far I have just under 1,000 words. Therefore I have 26 days to write 49,000 more. Good Lord.

I am plodding through, though I must apologize if the quality of my posts takes a drastic downward plunge for the month. Forgive me in advance (or I'll have to come after you).

Without further ado, here are some pictures of my Saturday night Halloween party - the girls I was with Friday night haven't uploaded any yet, when they finally do I'll have pictures of Blondie, Curly, Hiker and I.

So here's Frenchie and I. I was Alice in Wonderland (I'm so clever) and her and PA went as MarkAntony and Cleopatra. PA made their costumes and they were great. I have 8 layers of crinoline on so I was telling people I was Alice as she's falling down the rabbit hole.

Here's PA and I. He used an old suede jacket for the skirt and shin-pads. Those gold medallions are actually a gold plastic plate that he cut and glued and his helmet is a construction hat with the end of a broom attached. He's crafty like that.

We had a hula hooping contest (which I couldn't participate in due to the aforementioned layers of crinoline) but the lovely hostess was pretty amazing at it:

All in all the party was a ton of fun and exactly what I needed after the crazy Friday we had.

Clockwise from Alice: Safty [sic] Stud Earl, Pirate, Construction Girl, Mark Antony, Cleopatra, Safty Inspectir [sic] Cleatus

Drastically Dysfunctional

2008-11-03T10:08:00.009-07:00

You know how people jokingly say that they're such a dysfunctional couple? I met the most dysfunctional couple on earth on Saturday night.

See, Frenchie, her husband PA, and I went to a Halloween party at a friends house who I haven't seen in over a year. She's this fabulous artsy girl who takes lessons in things like Hula Hooping and Salsa Dancing. She made her own costume, a unicorn, which consisted of a skintight leotard, a tail, horn etc. it was super cute.

We were having a good time once the initial awkwardness that you inevitably feel at a social gathering where you know exactly 4 people wore off. Everyone was really friendly and lots of people didn't know each other so it was nice.

One girl (she was dressed as a school girl so that's her name now) came and sat by Frenchie and I, chatting for about ten minutes. When she left Frenchie turned to me and said: "That chick had her boob pressed up against me that whole time," we giggled a little and forgot about it.

Later on, school-girl was sitting on James Bond's lap, holding his hand and everything so we figured they were a couple. That was until two seconds later she jumped up and grabbed the Mormon's hand and started slow dancing all sexy with him.

We were very confused but thought "maybe she's just friendly"

Outside Frenchie and PA were giving each other a hard time because PA is the one who cares about details - for their wedding he took care of figuring out decorations and food while she basically rolled her eyes at him. Someone called them dysfunctional and that's when it came out.

Bond says: "well, my wife is in there making out with the Mormon!"

Wait, what?

Then the clincher: later on James Bond tells us he's gay. Okay guys, you win.

Warranty = Waste

2008-11-02T10:50:00.004-07:00

Apparently it's NaBloPo MoDoSoCoBro month or something so I'm supposed to post every day. I WAS going to post a Halloween picture today but my friends are lazy and haven't uploaded them to the Facebooks for me to steal yet. C'mon people, everything loses relevancy in under 3 days in the land of the innernets.

My camera is broken. It broke right before Blondie and I headed to PEI (of course) which was months ago now. I brought it into the store and they sent it into the shop after informing me it would be $75 even though I bought the stupid warranty.

Apparently it doesn't cover scratched lenses. What it does cover? It seems they aren't sure.

Anyway, my camera has mysteriously never returned from the "shop". I'll be calling tomorrow to give them a piece of my mind. If they aren't supremely helpful and apologetic I'll be writing a very stern letter and sharing it with the innernets in hopes of them sending me free stuff. Like a camera.

Happy 100th & A Ghost Story

2008-11-01T09:34:00.007-06:00

Apparently I've posted 99 times on this here blog of mine, making this my 100th post. I feel like I should break out the diapers and Metamucil, but instead I'll raise my prune juice in a toast to the whole blogging world. Seriously, I just found out about this shit like 4 or 5 months ago and here I am celebrating 100 posts. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye.

So in honor of my birthday (?) I'll post links to my favorite 100 posts

Just kidding, I'm far too lazy for that. I do have a ghost story though (yeah I know, Halloween is so yesterday - whatever).

My dad's dad died when my dad was only 19 years old. He was a train engineer and was involved in a crash when all the lights of the train went out and two trains collided. My parents met when my dad was 28 so obviously my mom never met his dad. My sister Dizzy was born June 2nd 1982. This is all relevant, swearsies.

My mom and dad had brought Dizzy home from the hospital and were soundly sleeping a few days later when the baby began crying. My mother threw on her robe and padded down the hall to soothe her. She decided to head downstairs and sit in the rocking chair while she nursed Dizzy.

Suddenly she heard a knock on the door. It was 2 in the morning in the middle of June but when she opened the door there was a man standing there dressed all in white and a blizzard raged on behind him. My mother said he looked like the Glad man. He told her he had come to see his grandaughter so she let him in.

She made them tea, let him hold the baby, all the while thinking she was in the middle of a very strange dream. Eventually she went back upstairs to bed.

In the morning she went downstairs to find the half empty teapot, two teacups in the sink and a layer of snow on the ground.*

* contrary to popular belief it is NOT normal for it to snow in June here. If you look at weather records however, there was a snowstorm in June 1982. When my mother described the man to my father, he said: "that's my dad!".

I'll Go With Bachelor # ... Nevermind, Pass Me the Wine

2008-10-29T09:23:00.005-06:00

After reading this little post on Carmen's blog, I've decided to do my own roundup of useless internet dating idiots.

I've now been on the site for a few months and have yet to meet anyone decent or even semi-decent (I've actually yet to meet anyone at all in person). This may or may not be because of the running inner monologue I have that starts something like:

"Alright, let's see what poor sap messaged me today"

I'm not cruel. If someone says something interesting, I'll write them back. It's just that they can never hold my interest past two messages or if I eventually give them my msn name (2 guys so far).

So let's see what I've got in my in-box today:

Bachelor #1
Subject line: cuttie
Message: are you from calgary how long have you been

Well moron, how long have I been what? If I'm from Calgary then obviously I've "been" my whole freaking life. I'm not sure what cuttie means but let's just reiterate that I'm not Emo so no, no I don't.

Bachelor #2
Subject line: hi there
Message: i'm ****** and if age isn't an issue for u, i was wondering if i'd be someone of interest to you as i truely found ur profile and pic equally attractive...

Here's another Douchetastic winner. Hey Mister, if "ur" 43 you may want to learn how to spell because I found your use of the English language "truely" appalling.

Bachelor #3
Subject line: boo
Message: hey...well i was reading your profile...and i know movies are not for you on the first date...so what about the race track?...but it might be closed right now... so im good with a swim to the moon

Where to begin with this one...let's start with the over usage of the ellipsis. If you aren't sure how to punctuate, don't just fill in any empty spots with dots. It's called Grade Two - perhaps you should make your way back there? Also, what the hell is a swim to the moon? Is that what the kids are calling sex these days? Because if so, I'm not buying. Perv.

This Post Rated R - for Ridiculous

2008-10-28T14:18:00.003-06:00

Last night I took the C-Train (it's our version of the Sky-Train or just basically an above ground Subway) down to Blondie's. We had some last minute Halloween things to buy at the mall.

Now, I thought my costume was pretty scandalous, but then Blondie goes and buys a skirt at least as short as mine and a corset top. Which of course made me remember that there will be girls wearing only lingerie. So I can embrace my booty-short clad bum and the tiny skirt it's (barely) hidden under.

There were these douche bags on the train talking about human feces on one of the platforms. It was revolting and went something like this:

"Fuck man, there was this SHIT one time on the platform. Like real fucking human shit"
"Fuck off! Really? That's fucked"
"Fuck dude it was fucking shit, just a huge pile of fucking human shit"

and on...and on...and on

I nearly threw up. Now I don't give two shits if you swear around me (obviously) but the fact that there were old ladies and people on their way home from work? "Dude" watch your goddamn language.

Anyway after the mall fiasco, where I spent another $50 I DON'T HAVE on stockings, a corset and ribbons, we were back on the train when these three boys get on. One of them was obviously so drunk/high that he could barely stand but refused to sit.

As he swayed back and forth telling his friends about the "slut he got with" I thought of that New Haircut video and started laughing. Really, really loud. I could just see the kid "Brosky! Bitches love my new haircut - Fucking skanks!"*

Anyway, needless to say he wasn't very impressed and wouldn't stop glaring at us for the duration of the trip. I stopped laughing when he made a joke to his friends that he had protection and made his fingers into that gun shape.

Alice = Gangster Bait

*The best knock-off of this video by far is the Senior Citizens edition

Throwing Money to the Wind

2008-10-27T10:33:00.006-06:00

I stayed over at my parents house last night. I go over there every Sunday for dinner. Since my mother was making my Halloween costume I figured I'd help out. My sewing skills are pretty nonexistent. I don't think I've even sewed my own buttons on in years.

Luckily I can cook, so I made some Beef Stroganoff which provides a hilarious platform for many stroking-off comments from you guys.

My younger sisters SL and SK have school in the mornings and my parents don't really drive at night - not because they're old but because they just don't really want to. So I watched 40 Year Old Virgin with my mom (awkward?! Yes) and crashed there.

This morning my dad came down and, as he does every morning, turned on the stock channel. I don't really get why you would want to start your day off all depressed and with thoughts of half your money basically burning in a fiery inferno (because it may as well be). Alas, he does.

Now I don't know how many of you have RSPs or stocks or whatever, but I do. I've seen the steady decrease of my RSP savings from over $20,000 down to $14,000 and now at a depressingly low $8,000.

I know my loss is ridiculously low compared to the hundreds of thousands that other people are losing but at the same time, I've had an RSP since I was 19 and this last year I finally was able to start putting a large chunk in every month. Now I kind of feel like maybe sending my money to that nice Nigerian guy who emailed me may have been more worth it.

On the upside, now is the best time to be putting more cash into that money-sucking, depression-inducing system. That's right; buy low, sell high - isn't that what all those crazy stockbrokers say? Since the Canadian dollar is now worth less then a collection of toenails I may as well throw it all into my gold stocks.

If I'm going to be a millionaire by the time I'm thirty I better get cracking.

Then again I could always just invest all my money in Zoloft.

Me Me Me Me!!!

2008-10-25T12:16:00.004-06:00

You guessed it kids - it's Meme time!

While I was off strolling around Vancouver, Victoria and Sidney (which isn't where I live for anyone who was confused by the video. I was on vacation visiting Dizzy and her husband) I was tagged in two memes

The first is from Lydia at ...Down the Rabbit Hole... wherein* you give 6 random facts about yourself.

1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up

1. Okay so remember when I was all like wah-wah my life is going down the tubes? Poor me, I lost my job and all that stuff? Uh okay, so I've decided I'm going to write a book. I have all this free time now and the money from The Restaurant should keep me out of (in?) trouble and paying bills and stuff. Ben I'm volunteering you as my proof-reader and the book will be ready in about a year. I'm going to write a page a day as my goal and more if I feel like it. Kthxbai

2. I hate corn and water chestnuts. I got a water chestnut in my stir-fry the other day (stir-fry was fabulous Dizzy!!) and I had to spit it out. The texture makes me want to Vom. I also hate milk. We are the only animals that drink another species milk after infancy. Most people are born without the lipids to digest milk (hence all the lactose-intolerance's) plus the taste/texture is awful. Yuck. That being said; I love cheese, yogurt and lattes. I'm weird.

3. I set my alarm for 9 am now that I'm unemployed. This is 2 and a half hours later then I would get up for The Company so it's still sleeping in but I won't get into being super lazy and sleeping until noon. Which is what I did today because it's Saturday. Also, I got up at 5 am yesterday to drive 10 hours back home to Calgary - give me a break, holy fuck!

4. I'm sort of a "man-eater". I never really thought much about my dating habits until that Nelly Furtado song came out and one of my girl friends yelled across a busy bar - "Hey Alice! It's totally your song!" but I guess I sort of do get bored with men. Also, I don't like clingy guys, not being able to go out with my girlfriends, having to call the guy all the time (or them calling me all the time), having set date-nights, romantic candles, cheesy love songs, jealousy, planning around someone else' schedule...yuck and double yuck. I wonder why I'm still single...?

I have had my heart broken once and I did it to myself.

5. I have a stack of poker chips beside my computer. When I'm trying to get the right ideas out or just wondering what the hell I'm going to write about, I chip shuffle - it helps me think.

6. I organize my closets (I have two - one for dresses, one for skirts and blouses) by color. That way if I'm looking for a purple dress I know exactly where to go. Same with sweaters, skirts, tank tops and shirts. Yes I'm slightly anal-retentive and OCD runs in my family, thanks for asking!

I'm going to tag:

SaN
Dr. Zibbs (I need a professional opinion)
LulaDahl
Lyla Lou
My sis, Dizzy
and my Imaginary Friend

Have a great weekend!

PS - I started a new blog about eating healthy and losing ten pounds so if anyone is trying to do the same check it out and we can encourage each other to be healthy by e-mailing pictures of pigs wearing dresses and hippopotamuses eating cheese curds to each other. Or something.

*I don't know the correct usage of that word exactly but it makes me sound smart so I'm using it

The Age-Old Dilemna

2008-10-24T09:00:00.001-06:00

A bunch of super wicked awesome (enough adjectives for you?) bloggers got together and started a blog called Fire That Agency to deal with adverse advertisers, crappy commercials and morose marketers (I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me today, sorry).

Anyway check it out, and while you're there check out my contribution (which you may have already read way back in June if you were with me then).

But before you do that, enjoy this age-old question from SaN:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Darlings, San here from Stilettos and Nostalgia filling in for Alice while she cavorts around....er.....where is she again?

Anyway, glad to be of service in this job-themed blog post week. My most recent job-related dilemma is one I'm currently facing: the trade-off between money and quality of life.

Observe: I, hardworking graduate student with a burning desire to move back to Europe, recently landed my dream job with a top 5 consulting firm across the pond. This is a position toward which I've geared my entire recruitment efforts, on which I spend way too many hours practice interviewing and combing job postings to see if there was a chance for me.

Then, in June, I had a breakthrough: the company with which I have only dreamed of working had an opening that matched my degrees and skills. Hooray! But then I saw the offer and had second thoughts.

Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: this woman is insanely shallow - who cares about the money? Get over it! But when you have the joyous burden of tens of thousands of dollars worth of student loan debt, you tend to look at the world a bit more.....um.....materialistically?

So now I am torn. The job comes with everything I want in terms of quality of life, including 30 paid vacation days and the chance (FINALLY!) to be living with Marco.

Yet I'm worried that my starting salary now will determine my earning potential in the future, and that if I do not start high enough I may never make up the difference - especially as a woman.

So I ask you now, dear faithful Alice followers, what do you think I should value?

When Your Boss is More...

2008-10-23T13:00:00.001-06:00

This guest post brought to you by (Un)Popular at Back by (Un)popular Demand (If anyone has the new link, I can't seem to find it?!)

I did what everyone tells you not to do, and I dipped my pen in the company ink. Translation: I banged my boss.

I dated my higher-up. As the relationship got serious, we decided to move in together. As we were looking at apartments, I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't move in with him. I couldn't even be with him any longer. All he did was whine about every place we looked at, every town we visited, every restaurant we ate at, every thing, all the time. The final straw was when he got drunk and accused me of sleeping with another co-worker! Geez, I'm not that big of a whore...

After I dumped his ass, I had to see him at work. Our offices were right across from each other, and to top it off we had window walls. Yes, we could see each other from our desks. Well, this mutherfucker put up a poster on his window. Not that I wanted to see him, but I guess I was just mad that I hadn't thought of putting something up to block the view before he did.

It was kind of weird taking my assignments into him for review, but I sucked it up, walked into his office, and got the job done. Yet he refused to work with me like well; he didn't make eye contact; he kept it very short, and I felt that it compromised the team work and communication of our staff.

My favorite example of his immaturity and unprofessionalism was when he started leaving post-it notes on my desk every time I was out of my office. This a-hole would wait until I left my office and then run in and put a post-it note with a task or assignment on it for me. These little notes were detailed too, so he obviously took the time to write everything down and wait for the few minutes that I would leave my desk to sneak in and tape it up to my monitor.

After our project was complete, we both moved onto other job sites within the company. I heard that the other men would ask him questions about how I was in bed.

Ri-cock-u-lous!

I'm Not That Technologically-Impaired

2008-10-22T19:52:00.011-06:00

Ok guess what? I figured out how to make a video blog - I know, right? I have a feeling it may be too late for the 20sb Official Vlog Thingy but oh well.

Here it is:

Sorry about the shitty quality - this is my first foray into the world of Video-Blogging

Oh yes, I'm also supposed to answer some questions:

Hypothetically, if I wrote a book about my life so far, I would call the first Chapter:

"You Did What?!" Pretty self explanatory

As for the most recent Chapter it would be called "Quarter Life Crisis' and Other Fun Times"

Aaaand for a story about me: see the post below!!

Does anyone know how I get the actual video on here instead of the stupid linky-thingy?

Kthxbai!!

Update: Mmmkay so my sisters fabulous husband showed me how to upload it to my blog, holy hell was this a lot of work - so next time I'll be a pro...or sit in a corner crying while all the other kids point and laugh. Either way.

Don't Piss A-Rod Off

2008-10-22T08:00:00.003-06:00

Alright, yes I missed you guys. I just had to put my two cents in here (c'mon you all knew I couldn't stay away)

The first job I ever had was as a cook in a restaurant (actually as a paper-girl but I try to block that painful memory. Anything that happened before 6 am when I wasn't drunk doesn't count). I was designated as a Flat-top cook meaning I made quesadillas and pasta. Also, Fajita Roll-ups - we were a tex-mex restaurant.

On my first day of training I had my color guard (flag twirling) practice right afterwards. I went to practice still wearing my name tag:

Flat
Alice

is what it said. Of course, my mom told everyone I had applied at Hooters and wasn't "busty" enough to get the job so they put me in the kitchen. Funny mom.

No really, I wasn't emotionally scarred for life or anything.

Really.

Anyhow, I worked as a Flat-top cook for a few months and then was promoted to Trainer. I was only 15 when I got the job - this either says something about how great I am or how poorly the restaurant was doing. After another few months I was promoted to Broil Cook (one of the top positions). Again, they may or may not have been close to bankruptcy at this point.

This restaurant was drama after drama. If they had a reality series starring crazy cooks, stressed waitresses, sex, drugs and whipping cream this would be the heart of it all.

There was one girl "Vana" who really loved starting the drama. She had a boyfriend, let's call him A-Rod, who was a possesive, kind of crazy guy. Our kitchen manager was a young guy (though also crazy - he once drank oven cleaner just to prove he'd do it. His lung collapsed and we had to call 911).

Vana tried to seduce our manager in the walk-in cooler (the site of many dramatic happenings), he pushed her away, she freaked out and told A-Rod that our manager was hitting on her.

One night A-Rod and 19 of his friends, the Yankees, showed up at our work. Vana wasn't working that night but I was, as well as our manager. We were innocently taking out the trash at 1 am, almost done our shift and ready for a cold beer. Luckily I had made friends with the guys at the place next door, so they never asked for ID.

Well, A-Rod and the Yankees came over, surrounding us: 20 to 2. Before I knew what was happening there were 4 guys on our manager; punching him, kicking him - I had never seen anything like it in my life.

I ran inside to grab our huge bartender but of course even a huge guy is not really a match against 16. He did however manage to get the 4 off of our manager right before they were going to curb-stomp him, and as intimidating as he was, I thought the fight was over.

Meanwhile manager went inside, grabbed a butcher knife and came back out. The guys decided they had proven their point and got in their cars to drive away.

Manager ran after them screaming like a maniac and I of course chased him a) to make sure he didn't kill anyone and b) to see if his cuts and bruises needed ice. When we got back to the restaurant our boss, the front of house manager, had locked all the doors.

I knocked on the doors crying (my purse was in there and dammit it was expensive! Also, my house keys, all my money etc.) then ended up going next door where a woman saw that I was panicking, pretended to be my mother and yelled at the front house manager for half an hour.

She finally let us back in to get our stuff. I'd like to say I wasn't sobbing but that would be a lie. We were called in the next day and fired for walking out on our shift.

Apparently they were trying to make an example out of us.

Lesson learned*

*I'm not altogether sure what the lesson I was supposed to learn was? Let your boss get beaten to death? Watch him stab someone? Any ideas?

Questionable Work Practices

2008-10-21T08:00:00.003-06:00

Tova Darling over at the self-titled Tova Darling sent me this fantastic anecdote

During my first few months of my first "real" post-college job (in other words, not flipping burgers), I was trying very hard to exhibit a good work ethic and go "above and beyond" in order to make a good impression. (That has changed a bit, as evidenced by the fact that I'm typing this while I'm at work.)

On a Thursday, I'd been given instructions that a very important person (a friend of the boss) was coming in to pick up a thousand or so pieces of paperwork that he absolutely, positively needed by Saturday. Naturally, he never showed up.

Friday afternoon at 4:58pm, when everyone but good old strong-work-ethic me had ducked out of the office, Very-Important-Friend-Of-The-Boss (VIFOTB) called and said that he really, really needed that paperwork, but he hadn't had a chance to pick it up, and would anyone be in the office Saturday morning? (No.)

Well, VIFOTB quickly decided that it was MY responsibility to get him the paperwork that he hadn't bothered to pick up, and after brain-storming for a few minutes, provided me with the name of a skeazy dive bar where he insisted that I should drop off the paperwork so he could come get it later.

After I made him promise that they'd be expecting me and the paperwork at said dive bar, I grabbed several pounds of paper and hit the road. I soon found myself standing at a dirty bar in my grown-up stiletto heels and a skirt, being leered at by drunken old men in stained overalls, while trying to convince a skeptical and very annoyed bartender that she needed to take this huge pile of paperwork, because VIFOTB would be in to pick it up.

Of course, she'd never heard of VIFOTB, nor had the bar owner or any of the patrons, and she (much like myself) didn't get paid to act as a secretary to a creepy old guy who took delivery of important documents in a seedy bar. It took me a good 15 minutes to convince someone, anyone to take the paperwork off my hands, which they only did after I told them that I didn't care what they did with it, that they could burn it for all I cared, I just wanted to get out of there minus several reams of paper and without being molested.

As soon as the papers left my hands, I practically ran out the door to the sounds of whistles and cat-calls.

No word on whether or not VIFOTB ever picked up the papers. It wasn't long after this incident that I began habitually showing up ten minutes late for work to punish the boss for having such crappy friends.

Ask and You Shall Receive

2008-10-20T08:00:00.001-06:00

This great advice given by Ashley from Encounters of the Human Kind

As a college senior living in Michigan, I was nervous about finding a job in a rocky economy. Luckily for me, I was willing to go anywhere. What was even more convenient is that I was highly connected through a student organization that led me to another highly connected individual in the public relations world.

Within days of meeting her I was inquiring about job opportunities within her firm. Being a global company and having dozens of offices around the world, I was hopeful that someone, somewhere was looking for an entry level employee. Contact information was exchanged and a phone call made where a second ask was thrown on the table:

"I will be in town during my spring break, will you interview me?"

Sure enough, an invitation to be interviewed was extended, followed shortly thereafter by a job offer to start after graduation.

Was it risky, flying across the country for an interview that may never pan out into full-time employment? Sure. Did it suck having to give up my last spring break ever to interview with a potential employer? Of course. But in the end – well worth it.

I had remembered the best piece of advice that anyone has ever given me: you don't receive what you don't ask for.

Truth.

And this is the one piece of advice I give everyone – it applies to all aspects of life – because what's the worst that can happen? They say no. So you're right back where you started. No harm done. And now you know.

You can't be afraid to hear the word 'no.'

Be personable, friendly, and honest – and make the ask. You never know what might happen.

In the Cube

2008-10-17T08:00:00.002-06:00

Thanks to PJ from It is what it is, sometimes. for this reminder that having weekends off is great

I sit here in my cube.
My life sucking cube.
I love my cube.
I embrace my cube.

The most creativity I have had all day is the moment I decided to hit the return key after each line to start this post. Yep, that's it. My biggest decision of the day. Paragraph or one liners....aaaaarrrgh....

What to do, what to do? It is a tough life of a cuber, and the lowest cuber of em all..... I almost can't say it--i am, a Saturday morning cuber. Oh yeah, its out there. I cube on Saturdays! Hunched over at my desk typing away on my crackberry... Hitting my new addiction, blogging. Blogging from the cube on a sat am. BANG.

Actually, it is afternoon by now, I am just in my own little cuberfog* that sets in on Saturdays... It is thick and knocks your senses askew. I shake my head, and say ' come on pj get in the game '. The cuberfog has over taken me. I think it is sat?!?!

The fog is thick, and makes it hard to think. The phones ring constantly and I talk without really being involved in the conversation, on autopilot as they say. People ask questions and I answer them, yet have no idea what is really going on. I can only see heads popping up above the cubicals, no bodies, just little heads bumping up and down as they talk. It seems so busy in here, lots of hustle and bustle, yet it just doesn't seem like much gets done.

Foggy.

I hope someone tells me when it is time to leave.

Well, enjoy your day out there. I can see you running on the grass, having your picnics, eating ice cream, frolicking (sp), playing games and having fun-- I see you. I am watching. I am not bitter by any means.... I laughed at myself as I wrote that - I AM BITTER REALLY REALLY BITTER.

Go cubers go!! Who cubes on Sat, I cube on Saturdays!! Put your hands in the air and raise em like you just don't care... Currently, I am raising the roof in my cube- that is how I do it. I am going to start a cube wave in a half hour, it is going to be cuberriffic!

Maybe I will start a cubnoxious chain e-mail-- those are always fun. If you don't send this to 8,000 people you will have bad luck. As you can see spending too much time in your cube has a negative effect on your sanity.

* you know when you are physically at work, but mentally you just haven't punched in yet.

The Job From Hell

2008-10-16T08:00:00.005-06:00

This guest post was submitted by the lovely Melissa of It's Just Easier That Way

My binder cover happened to land resting on keyboard but it wasn't less than five minutes before I moved it. It reminded me of a time I wouldn't mind forgetting... Lost in thought, stranded helplessly in a mind trip to the past…

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

It was my fourth day on the job (from hell) and I was overwhelmed with things to learn and under whelmed with assistance or, God forbid, anyone to train me. I was lost in a sea of paperwork trying to figure out how the hell the fool who worked in this position (before I did) survived.

I can't lie… I guess *technically* I heard the beeping... In the background. Honestly, it wasn't even an option, in my eyes, that I would be getting up from my desk to seek out who or what was creating this indefatigable noise.

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

My boss, Dick, comes tearing through the office in a mad rush. Papers fall to the floor as he passes; even they tremble in fear with the possibility of what he could do to their fate. Turbulence erupts as he started yelling and screaming at everyone in the office, despite many of them talking on phones to their clients.

He demands that someone must do something about this incessant noise… Now!

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

Practically everyone ducks their heads, dodging his fiery eyes, trying to bury their heads in their work deep enough that maybe he will have pity on them and torture someone else. Employees, with the exception of a few ogling eyes, continue working.

Dick stomps his foot down and slams his hand on his desk. When still no one comes to running to his rescue, he doesn't throw things or pout like a five year old… he stands right where he is and yells through the office for the entire building to hear;

"MAAAAHHH-LIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSA!!! GET! IN! HERE! NOW!"

I scurried in to his office, my hands clammy and my throat dry, my stilettos click-clack click-clacking on the hardwood floors. I could hardly speak, for his stature as well as his arrogance intimidated me.

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"Yes… hi… Did you call me? I thought I heard my name" I lied, of course, because everyone in the building KNEW he called my name.

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"DON'T YOU HEAR THAT?!?" He barks. What am I stupid?

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"Yes, I do hear that. What is it, do you think? Can I help you?"

"YEAH, YOU CAN HELP ME BY GETTING IT TO STOP BEEPING."Now, if you've kept up with my job history you will know that I am currently in the IT field, but at this time I had absolutely no IT experience. Not even the experience of answering the phones at an IT firm, so I knew nothing but what the average novice knows.

"Hmm… well, it sounds like it's coming from your computer…Can I…?"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHERE IT'S COMING FROM. I NEED YOU TO GET IT TO STOP. AND IF YOU CAN'T GET IT TO STOP… FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT… JUST DO IT!"

"beeeep!"

"beeeep!"

"Ok, well I'll just the need the number for our IT company, then I will give them a call and have someone look into it right away for you, Mr. Dick, sir! Oh, wait… it appears that there is… a binder…"It stops.

Absolute silence breaks out across the entire office.

Dead air.

A sense of calmness comes over everybody as they realize the "new girl" has just solved Dick's problem (and therefore, all of ours too).

"WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?!?" He barks.

"I just removed that binder that was resting all of its weight on your keyboard spacebar. Can I do anything else for you, Dick? Ok, greeeaaat…. I'll just get back to work then."

And that was the day that I knew...

I lasted 33 more days.

Traveling: Good for the Soul. Good for the Career.

2008-10-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

This post brought to you by the fabulous Essentially Me at Journey Like No Other

When I decided to become a teacher, I figured that this decision would be met by my entering a world where all things were fair in love and landing a job.

A world where the day was not only spent teaching math and language but also teaching how to say please and thank you and learning that we wait for our turns. In the line for the water-fountain and in the line for landing a job.

Little did I know, teaching wasn't void of the harsh realities of the working world where it all had to do with the people you knew, not the skills you had. I learned about this fast though. Thank God because if I hadn't, I'd still be waiting in the line for "permanent hire."

I worked for two years covering for maternity leaves thinking that I should land a job no problem with my principal. What I didn't know was that his friends daughter had just graduated and it was more important for her to get a permanent position in the school board before I did. Me ... the person who had been working there for longer than she had.

Needless to say, this pissed me off in a big fucking way. I was so livid. The inner brat in me wanted to bang my fists on my desk and throw the mother of all temper tantrums. But instead, I learned how to play the game. I learned that I could be the most talented teacher out there who was loved by all her students and their parents ... but that it wouldn't mean shit if I didn't have a personal connection with the man who held my professional fate in his hands. My principal.

So I did what any girl hungry for a secure job would do. I went on vacation with my boss. And wouldn't you know? I got a permanent job just one month later!

Now it wasn't that kind of vacation. There were no extra-marital ANYTHING involved. In fact, his wife and daughter came too. Along with about 10 other people. It was a tour in southern Italy which he planned and guided. It was a no brainer for me. It was like killing two birds with one stone: Me taking a much needed vacation and me landing a much needed permanent job.

Unfortunately, the land of the time-sheets is not a pleasant one. And it's almost like a mirage ... something you're pretty sure you see but once you reach out to try and take hold of it, it disappears.

I knew what I had to do. And I went for it. As sad as it sounds (Hi, my name is EM and I got a job because I went on vacation with my boss!), I don't care because I did what I had to do. And no sexual favours were needed.

The Coffee Club

2008-10-14T08:00:00.001-06:00

Hey all, I’m the Imaginary Reviewer, guest posting for Alice today. Normally I only write reviews of things, but as Alice is currently seeking employment I thought I’d relate a cautionary tale that stems from the fact that I started a new job last month.

It was a split second decision on my part, really, and I had no idea of the consequences at the time. I must implore Alice (and anyone else about to embark upon a new career) to bear this in mind when sitting, as I was, in the office of the Human Resources Manager. She showed me a piece of paper with the headline “Coffee Club”, and offhandedly asked if I wished to pay a monthly amount for unlimited use of the canteen coffee machines. I figured that I could bring my own coffee from home, and declined.

This decision would have larger consequences than I could ever imagine.

In my office of around 100 people, the Coffee Club makes up about a fifth of the employees. On my second day working here I looked at the list posted in the canteen, saying which people can use the coffee machines, and saw them: the company bourgeoisie, the haves, the fat cats. All of them were managers, VPs and their assistants, the type of people who have their own names written on their office doors.

I picked up one of the packets of coffee to see what kind of blends the Club had access to, and one of the secretaries came in and batted it out of my hands. “Look with your eyes, not with your hands!” she shrieked, and I became aware of the vast gulf between those in the Club and those out of it.

As my time here went on, I became more and more aware of the mutual distrust. Members of the Coffee Club would eye me suspiciously as I filled my mug with water in the canteen, keeping an eye on me to make sure I didn’t surreptitiously steal a few illicit drops of Colombian Dark Roast. A bottle of salad dressing that I’d left in the staff refrigerator was unceremoniously smashed on the floor by a Club member after I’d put it in the space reserved for their cartons of milk. And then things started getting out of hand.

The flashpoint came when a new employee, ignorant of the rules, had a cup of Brazilian Rich Blend in full view of several Club members. This poor, unfortunate recent graduate was locked in the janitor’s closet for three days with nothing to drink but the sweat from his own shirt. In retaliation, a group of non-Club revolutionaries found the leader of those responsible and killed him with a Swingline 405 Stapler. His repeatedly-punctured body was left by the coffee machines as a warning to others.

Thrilled by the prospect of adventure, and maddened by the inequities of the office, I joined these brave men and women, the network engineers, the finance assistants and risk analysts fighting against the oppressive Coffee Club regime. I engaged in guerrilla tactics, pouring laxatives in the water section of the coffee machines and pissing in the milk.

Our last sortie ended in tragedy two days ago, when three non-Club members were found substituting the regular coffee with decaf by the Finance Manager and his PA. Retribution was swift and brutal. Their lifeless bodies, drained of blood by countless paper cuts, were delivered to the leaders of the revolution by a weeping mail boy.

By yesterday morning a memorial in their honour had been erected in place of the broken photocopier in the marketing section. Their deaths will not be in vain.

I write this now from my cubicle, where I have barricaded myself for the last 24 hours as I make my preparations. I was selected to lead a suicide mission on the coffee machines, and I hope my death – and the destruction of the infernal beverage makers – will bring about a utopia, a new Eden and a new beginning for the staff of DPO Hughes Office Supplies.

And to anyone out there who, like Alice and myself several weeks ago, is about to start a new job, for the love of whatever God you pray to, pray that they don’t have a Coffee Club.